I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I got older and realized you can *buy* trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
Topic: family
Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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My grandmother taught my mother how to drive, and she, in turn, taught me.
My grandmother taught my mother how to drive, and she, in turn, taught me. Luckily, my mother didn’t also pass down the knowledge of how to get pregnant in the back seat, because some family traditions should just fade away.
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I was helping my 9-year-old daughter do research for her book report on horseback riding
I was helping my 9-year-old daughter do research for her book report on horseback riding for kids. So I Googled the following: “pony, ride, under age 18.” … and I swear that’s the truth, Your Honor.
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Nursery rhymes are crucial in aiding young children to make sense of life’s baffling
Nursery rhymes are crucial in aiding young children to make sense of life’s baffling complexities. I mean, who’d want their kid freaking out every time they see a weasel spontaneously combust while fleeing from a mulberry-bush-orbiting monkey?
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The strange irony is that my mother told me there’d be days like this — including the
The strange irony is that my mother told me there’d be days like this — including the bit about the man in the tinfoil hat groping himself on the subway platform.
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If I’m to believe Occam’s Razor — that all things being equal, the most obvious answer
If I’m to believe Occam’s Razor — that all things being equal, the most obvious answer is usually the correct answer — then I must sadly admit that all spammers probably don’t share the exact same name and email address as my wife, and that all those “male enlargement” spam messages are actually from my wife.
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Since I was born with only four fingers, I’d like to marry someone else who has the same
Since I was born with only four fingers, I’d like to marry someone else who has the same number of fingers as I do. I mean, besides a drunk carpenter or a kid with a buzz saw.
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We live in a dangerous world, and I guess we all will have to adjust to the idea of
We live in a dangerous world, and I guess we all will have to adjust to the idea of giving up some freedoms and dealing with a heightened level of security. Well, at least according to that Dunkin’ Donuts cashier who strip-searched my wife this morning, we do.
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Personally, I don’t consider it all that strange to find a sexy message from “A Secret
Personally, I don’t consider it all that strange to find a sexy message from “A Secret Lover” in my bulk e-mail folder. But that’s probably because whenever I get a sexy message from my wife, she sends it via bulk e-mail, too.
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The problem with my wife and I sharing a wireless Internet connection is that I’ll often
The problem with my wife and I sharing a wireless Internet connection is that I’ll often get notices from our service provider telling me that someone else is logging on to our account… FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!
