Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
Little Johnny is out riding his bike with his dad through the fields when he sees a bull on top of a cow.
Johnny: “Dad, what’s that bull doing?”
Dad: “Well, the sun’s about to set, Johnny, so the bull is just pushing the cow back into the barn.”
Johnny: “Wow! It’s a good thing Mama held on to the kitchen table yesterday—otherwise the postman would’ve pushed her all the way back to the post office!”
A little girl is walking with her grandmother when they see two dogs going at it.
When she asks what they’re doing, the grandmother sheepishly explains, “Well, they’re making puppies.”
That night, the girl walks into her parents’ room without knocking and sees her dad on top of her mom.
She asks what’s going on, and her dad says, “Well, I’m making you a little brother or sister.”
The girl says, “Flip her over, Dad—I’d rather get puppies!”
A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.
“What are they doing?” the girl asked.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”
The girl thought for a moment, then said, “They’re just like people, aren’t they?”
“What do you mean?” Grandma asked.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they’ll fuck you every time.”
Stevie Wonder has kids he’s never seen.
You say “toh-MAY-toh,” I say “toh-MAH-toh.”
You say “soothing lotion for breastfeeding mothers,” I say “boob lube.”
This is why you shouldn’t let me write the shopping list.
