Topic: family

Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • Dont Complain About My Cooking

    A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”

    His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, “You’re gay? Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

    Nervously, the guy said, “Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so.”

    His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!”

  • The Milk Man Dead

    A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict the future.

    One day, he made three predictions. One year from today, I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die. Three years from today, my father will die.

    Sure enough, a year later he died.

    The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up his wife with a million dollars in life insurance.

    Sure enough, a year later she died. He figured he had a year to live it up with that life insurance, which he did, spending every penny of it.

    The eve of his projected death, he drank himself into a stupor. To his amazement, he woke up the next morning with nothing more than a bad hangover. He stumbled to the back porch to get the milk for his coffee, where he found the milk man dead.

  • We’ve All Got It

    “Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

    “Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

    “But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

    “Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.

    “Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”

    “Oh crap!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

  • Prank Dad Day 817

    Prank Dad Day 817

    Gonna prank dad when he gets home

    DAY 1

    DAY 2

    DAY 817

  • Something I Dont Know

    Something I Dont Know

    hmm.. lovely weather today

    pft

    tell me something I don’t know

    your Grandma’s ass can take my whole fist..

  • Gender Reveal Black Cake

    Gender Reveal Black Cake

    Gender reveal cake cut open to reveal black inside — everyone looks horrified.

  • The Shower Drain

    A young wife, freshly shaved, walks out of her bathroom into the master bedroom.

    She lifts her teddy, revealing nothing underneath, licks her lips, winks, and says, “Sweetie, you know what this means, don’t you.”

    Her young husband replies, “Yes, damn it, I am gonna have to spend all weekend unclogging the shower drain.”

  • Sperm Bank Towel

    Sperm Bank Towel

    The moment you realize a sperm bank pays a shot……

    …and you have a towel worth $1800 at home

  • Carrying The Family

    Carrying The Family

    my back after carrying all the looks, talent, and humour in the family

  • Grandpa Joe Golden Ticket

    Grandpa Joe Golden Ticket

    *lays in bed for some 20 odd years*

    *Grandson gets Golden ticket in candy bar*

    Grandpa Joe: