Topic: family

The problem I have with returning home from five days at an industry trade show is that I now have to re-adjust to helping my wife clean re-liquidated nutrition delivery systems and change infant waste-product receptacle solutions.

My dad once told me, “The only one who can beat you is yourself.” As I stand chained in this Turkish prison, I’m thinking Dad might’ve been a tad wrong on this one.

I really mean it when I say I just want my wife to be happy. Of course, if I could be happy, too, that would be good. And if we could both be happy at the same time, maybe involving whipped cream and some edible underwear, that would be even better.

Lately, I’ve come to realize that I’m ready to have children. Not because I want a family, but because “stay-at-home dad” sounds so much better than “lazy, good-for-nothing, unemployed husband.”

My wife told me: “I need you like the desert needs the rain… once, maybe twice a year, for no more than twenty minutes.”

I really wish I could spend time alone with my son without my ex-wife hovering above us. Maybe things will improve in a few months when she finally gives birth.

I’m not sure why celebrities cheating on their spouses is newsworthy. A guy at work cheated on his wife and the only reason it made the news at all was because she apparently sucks at hiding bodies.

When my 7-year-old daughter opened her only Christmas gift and found two baby teeth inside, she ran upstairs bawling. Funny, that’s *all* she raved about wanting last year.

My mother loves Valentine’s Day because it’s the only day of the year when she doesn’t have to remind me what a lonely, pathetic loser I am.

In some ways I’m pretty conservative. For example, I don’t think abortion should be legal except in the very rare cases where the mother’s life is in danger or when I might possibly be the father.