THE MOST EFFECTIVE BIRTH CONTROL METHOD KNOWN TO MAN
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Topic: parenting
Parenting jokes, kid chaos, family stress, and tiny humans causing damage from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Three Stops Ago
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to eat…
So she says to her baby, “Eat up now or I’m going to give it to that nice man over there,” and points at the man sitting across from her.
Ten minutes later: “You have to eat, or I will give it to that man!”
Five minutes later: “Come on now, I can’t waste this milk so you have to eat or I’m giving it to that man.”
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her finally says, “Come on lady, make up your mind, I was supposed to get off three stops ago!”
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$chool and kNOwledge
Sam went away to school. A month later, he mailed a letter to his mother:
Dear Mom,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I’m acing $pani$h and Economic$, and I $pend hour$ in the $ocial $cience$ department. $ociology i$ intere$ting!
Ju$t off I can’t think of anything I wi$h for, but it would be $uper nice if you could ju$t $end me a card, a$ you know I would alway$ love to hear from you.
Love and ki$$e$,
your $on, $amHis mother wrote back:
Dear Sammy,
I kNOw ecoNOmics, astroNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are more than eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, your mom
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Children’s Zoo
Last week I took the kids to a children’s zoo.
Last night they escaped and came back home.
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Your Mom Chocolate Bars
Your mom after I buy $4 worth of chocolate bars for your little league fundraiser
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I like chicks unshaven down there. No woman who can’t even
I like chicks unshaven down there. No woman who can’t even support a colony of crab lice is gonna raise MY kids.
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At first I wanted my son to become the best golfer in the world
At first I wanted my son to become the best golfer in the world so he could become rich and respected. Now I want him to become the best golfer in the world so he can introduce me to some lusciously sweet hos.
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My parents are very asexual. I swear the only times they had sex
My parents are very asexual. I swear the only times they had sex were when I was conceived, when my sister was conceived, and that time Dad shot me in my still-developing fetal eye.
