The way my four-year-old really gets into steering when we’re in the car makes me think he might grow up to be a professional racecar driver. And to think I originally just needed him to sit in my lap and take the wheel while I reached back for another beer.
Topic: parenting
Parenting jokes, kid chaos, family stress, and tiny humans causing damage from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Little Brother Not Wanted
One night, a four-year old heard some strange noises in his parent’s bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.
Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says “Ur, we’re, like, making a little brother for you”.
The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”
Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, mom says they were making a little sister for him.
“I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.
Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in parent’s bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying “I don’t want a doooog!”
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Teresa Easter Alan
Son: Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?
Dad: because your mom loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.
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You Already Own Her Home
As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, “I want her home before midnight.” The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied….
“But you already own her home!”
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Cider for the Pain
A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: “Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.
“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked her mom.
“I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!”
Confused, but weary of the child’s whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
“Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” she whined.
“What are you talking about?” asked her increasingly perplexed parent, “What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?”
“Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.”
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Deluxe Magic Hat
My wife thinks that TV is a big waste of time, but I just learned something that’s sure to change her mind: When buying a magic hat for the kid’s snowman, spring for the deluxe version that keeps the snowman from melting when the temperature goes above freezing.
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You’re Not Sterile
A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”
“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”
“All right, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”
