Why can’t childless men tell dad jokes?
They aren’t kidding.
Topic: parenting
Parenting jokes, kid chaos, family stress, and tiny humans causing damage from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Birds and Bees: No Homework Allowed
My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”
“Mom, I’m pregnant.”
“How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
“That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”“Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”
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Birds and Bees: A Comedy of Misunderstandings
My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”
“Mom, I’m pregnant.”
“How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
“That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”“Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”
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Beach Woman’s Unexpected Question Ruins Everything
Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach. Well the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says “What will we name the child?”
Well the guy freaks and runs away.
So the second guy goes over to her and starts doing his thing when she says “What will we name the child?”
He freaks out also and runs away.
The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a rubber and goes to do his thing. When she says “What will we name the child?”
He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the rubber, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.
He turns to the girl and says “If he gets out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”
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Dad’s Terrible Timing With Life’s Harsh Truths
Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
“Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
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Virgin Birth Claims Destroyed by Medical Reality
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex before marriage.
The doctor faced the window and silently looked out to the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”
“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again and confirm this very rare immaculate conception.”
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Toilet-Training Transferability
As I watched my two-year-old drag his naked bottom across the carpet, I realized that perhaps I overestimated the transferability of the toilet-training skills I had initially honed with our puppies.
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Seven-Year-Old’s Budget Marriage Proposal Plan
A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, “Me and Janie is getting married.”
“Oh?” says the mother. “And how old is Janie?”
“Five,” replies the boy.
“And where will you live?” asks the mother.
“Well,” says the boy, “Janie’s room is bigger than my room, so we’ll live in her room.”
“How about expenses?” asks the father. “What are you going to do for money?”
“I get a dollar a week in allowance,” says the lad, “and Janie gets seventy five cents. If we put them together we’ll be okay.”
“I see,” says the father. “But what are you going to do if you have children?”
“Well,” says the boy, “we’ve been lucky so far.”
