The Passive Aggression of the Christ
NO, IT’S FINE, I’LL CARRY IT…
Topic: religion
Religion jokes, holy weirdness, questionable miracles, and sacred-adjacent punchlines from the part of the internet that definitely heard the thunder.
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Be Honest
Be honest. You know that if a brown-skinned, Palestinian Jew attended a Trump rally and told the attendees to feed the hungry, house the homeless and welcome the stranger, they’d call Him a Socialist Libtard then crucify Him again.
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Should Have Used a Diamond™
SHOULD HAVE USED A DIAMOND™
The new DIAMOND DM1855-E hydraulic nail gun. Now with extended seven year warranty.
DIAMOND POWER TOOLS
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Kicking ass in the America’s Cup
A life-size Noah’s Ark is open to the public. I’m not sure if I believe the story about the ark kicking ass in the America’s Cup yacht races.
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Recruit a few disciples
When I face a problem, I stop and ask myself, “What would Jesus do?” It works. Drinking wine, sitting around talking, drinking more wine, telling parables, drinking more wine, and talking to God really does pretty much solve any problem I have. Now if only I could recruit a few disciples.
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Bob Pope
The pope should change his name to Bob. Then he would be Bob Pope, and he could have charity golf tournaments and go around the world on tours with a star-studded cast as his entourage. It would certainly liven up his shows a bit.
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One Change in Hell (German Engineering Edition)
An American, a Brit, and a German get sent to hell. Satan says, “You’re all here forever—but every 10 years, each of you gets one adjustment.”
The American gets dragged over razor-sharp, red-hot coals every day.
The Brit gets skinned by demons with pitchforks.
The German gets strapped into a machine that smashes him in the balls with a spiked hammer every 10 minutes.Ten years pass.
Satan asks the American, “Your one change?”
“Can I get smoother rocks?”Granted.
He asks the Brit, “Your one change?”
“Can the demons use plastic spoons instead?”Granted.
He asks the German, “Your one change?”
“Yes. The mechanism is malfunctioning. It now strikes every 11 minutes. Kindly repair it.” -
They’re calling it PaPal
Did you hear the Vatican is releasing an online payment system to absolve you of your sins?
They’re calling it PaPal. -
Cut Off But Still Calling!
Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles…
“Peter, Peter!” Jesus cries.
Peter, down at the bottom of Calvary Hill, hears his Lord’s call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he’s spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter’s left arm off and kicks him back down the hill.
Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening: “Peter, Peter.”
Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter’s other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lies bleeding out when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again.
“Peter… Peter,” Jesus beckons.
Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn’t notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross, a third soldier draws his sword, cuts off Peter’s left leg, and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time.
Now just a whisper, Jesus calls, “Peter… Peter…”
Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his Lord, “My Lord Jesus, why dost thou beckon me?”
Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says, “Peter, Peter… I can see your house from up here.”
