Topic: religion

Religion jokes, holy weirdness, questionable miracles, and sacred-adjacent punchlines from the part of the internet that definitely heard the thunder.

  • Proudly Sinful in Just Thirty Minutes!

    “Father, I committed all seven deadly sins in thirty minutes.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Wow,” the priest says. “I’ve got to hear this.”

    “I was angry and envious of my neighbor, so I lazily seduced his wife, ate all his groceries, and didn’t share.”

    “You forgot pride,” the priest says.

    “No,” I say. “I’m pretty proud of this.”

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  • Not So Flying High Expectations!

  • Save Lives Now, Make a Difference

  • Heavenly Lines and Unholy Punchlines

    An old Jewish man dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The line is very long. He says out loud, “Oy, what’s with the holdup? The last time I was in a line this long, it was at Auschwitz. And at least then there was the promise of a shower at the end!”

    God appears from the clouds and says, “I do not like that joke.”

    The man shrugs and says, “Oy, I guess you just had to be there.”

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  • Nuns vs. Vampire: A Roadside Showdown!

    Two nuns were out driving one night when a vampire jumped onto the hood of their car.
    The first nun yelled to the second “Sister, show him your cross!”
    So the second nun leaned out the window and screamed “Hey! Get the fuck off our car!”

  • Nuns on Wheels: Cobblestone Confessions!

    Two nuns were riding their bikes to church.
    One of them says “I’ve never come this way before”.
    The other replied “it’s the cobblestones.”

  • Church’s Board Meeting

    After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church’s board following the close of the service.
    The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

    “You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members,” explained the minister.

    “I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

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  • A priest goes to heaven

    A Priest dies, and goes to heaven. In heaven he is given a small apartment, a modest budget to buy groceries and food, and a pass to ride on the Heaven Express bus company. However he keeps noticing a certain guy driving around heaven in a sports car, residing in the biggest mansion in heaven, eating at the finest heavenly restaurants, and given the royal treatment wherever he goes. The Priest starts to get jealous so he makes an appointmentto see God.

    “What’s going on? “He asks God “Who is that guy who is treated like he’s the new Messiah?”

    “Oh, that’s Kevin” Answers God,

    “I don’t get it” says the Priest “Didn’t I love a good life in your service? Haven’t I been a true follower”

    “Yes you have been” Says God “I couldn’t have asked for any more from you. You have been a perfect servant”

    “So what makes Kevin so special. Why is he given everything on a silver platter?” asks the priest

    “Kevin’s a lawyer” answer god

    “so?”

    “Well you see. We have thousands and thousands of Priests who made it up here. But Kevin’s the only lawyer”.

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  • A young priest is hearing confession

    A young priest is hearing confession for the first time on a dull, damp Saturday afternoon.

    He hears the church door open, and someone comes stumbling in from the rain, staggers over to the confessional, and half-falls in, yanking the door shut behind him.

    Then everything is quiet for a while, and the priest hears only labored breathing and the occasional drunken mutter from the other side before it lapses into silence.

    It seems like the visitor has fallen asleep, so the priest gives a discreet cough and a tap on the partition.

    From the other side, a heavily refreshed voice says, “It’s no use coughing, and it’s no use knocking, sir. There’s no paper on this side either!”

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  • Jesus on Deck: A Divine Docking Dilemma

    Jesus walks aboard a ship.

    The puzzled captain asks him, “Couldn’t you wait until we docked?”