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How to Turn Your House into the NASCAR Experience

I’ve been to Nascar races at Charlotte, Rockingham, and the track at North Wilkesboro. This is what I learned.

If you’re like me, you’d like to attend more Nascar races, but you don’t have the time or money to go. So I put together a list of things you can do to your home so you and your friends can enjoy the race as if you were there.

1. Invite 15 to 20 of your closest friends to your house for the race. Make everyone dress in shirts and hats with their favorite driver on them. But don’t invite them to show up the day of the race, invite them to come over on Friday for qualifying and camp out for the weekend.

2. Some of your friends will show up in cars, and some will rent a U-haul truck. A few of them will pool their money together and get an RV. Stand outside with two flashlights and direct traffic to the grassy areas in your front yard. Charge everybody 8 bucks to park except the RV. Charge them 15 bucks for the weekend cause they’re twice as big.

3. Since they’re not allowed to use your kitchen, make your buddies do all their cooking on the beat-up barbeque grill they brought in the U-Haul. The friends that didn’t bring a grill can build a campfire. They’ll cut down several of the limbs on the Oak tree in your yard for firewood.

4. When the guys need more ice for their beer coolers, charge them 3 dollars for a one-dollar bag of ice.

5. Tell your friends they can’t use the bathroom in the house. They have to use the port-a-john you rented for the weekend and placed off the driveway.

6. If any females in the neighborhood drive or walk by your house and stare at the congregation of people in the yard, hold up a crudely made cardboard sign that says “SHOW ME YOUR TITS!”

7. On Saturday, have everyone climb on top of the RV to sunbathe and drink while listening to coverage of the Busch race.

8. When the booze runs out, send someone on a beer run with the four-wheeler one of your friends brought in his truck.

9. After the party winds down, let ’em crash in the back of the U-haul on some old mattresses and sleeping bags. Or they can sleep in their car.

10. On Sunday morning have the friend with the loudest car stereo system crank up some Lynyrd Skynyrd so loud that it wakes up all your friends. It will also annoy the neighbors down the street.

11. Nutrition is important, so start your race day with Pop-tarts and beer for breakfast.

12. Finally it’s time for the big race. Take all the comfortable furniture out of your living room. Then put in twenty metal folding chairs in rows of five with a narrow aisle down the middle.

13. Before letting them in, inspect all your friends’ coolers to make sure they don’t have more than a 12 pack. Make them store the coolers under their seats.

14. Space the chairs tightly together so no one has any leg room. That way when someone wants to go to the bathroom everyone has to get up to let ’em by.

15. When driver introductions are on television, stand up and give the finger to the driver you hate. If it’s Jeff Gordon, put down your beer and use both hands.

16. Run the television signal through your stereo system and turn the volume up so loud it sounds like the cars are in the room. Have everyone wear AM radio headphones tuned to the race. When you want to talk to the guy sitting next to you, scream at the top of your lungs so they can hear you.

17. To recreate the Men’s room at a typical Nascar track, let your friends pee in the bathtub to simulate the urine trough. Then throw an entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet so if anybody tries to flush it will overflow. To avoid the long line in the bathroom, some of your friends will pee in the sink.

18. Walk up and down the aisle in the living room with a food tray. When one of your friends wants something to eat, offer them a 32-ounce Pepsi for 4 dollars and a small serving of nacho chips with melted cheese for another 5 bucks.

19. When there’s a wreck, immediately stand up to see the tv better, forcing the people behind you to stand also. If it’s a driver you hate, cheer for the accident. If the driver’s in a close up, start chanting “YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!” as if he can actually hear you.

20. Turn up the thermostat in your house until it’s unbearably hot. Your friends will take off their shirts because they’re sweating profusely. Use this as an opportunity to sell them some more 4-dollar sodas and five-buck Miller Lite tallboys.

21. At the end of the race, have the Dale Jr. fan pick on the Jeff Gordon fan by accusing Gordon of intentionally knocking Junior into the wall to win the race. After the alcohol-fueled fistfight breaks out, call the cops and have the two drunks hauled away without their shirts.

22. Once the race coverage is over, leave all your trash on the floor next to your chair. Since the seats are so close together, your friends will ruin your carpet stepping on leftover nachos, peanut shells, half filled cups of Pepsi and empty beer cans.

23. Run out to the parking lot in your front yard. Then move your car to a spot that blocks all the other vehicles from exiting. Make your friends wait an hour or two before letting them leave. A number of them will relieve themselves in the yard during the wait due to all the beer they consumed during the race.

24. Before your friends go, they’ll throw the leftover trash in their cars on the ground where they parked.

25. The next day hire some Mexicans to clean up the yard and all the trash left in your living room. Then discover that someone puked on your azaleas.

If you follow the steps listed above, you’ll enjoy the race just as much as the people at the track. By the way, tickets are still available for the last fall race at Rockingham.

But don’t look for me there. I’ll be at home.