The older I get the more I understand why Peter was happy to dig ditches for a living at the end of Office Space
Delivery Style: observational
Observational joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Yeehaw or Heeyaw
I need to know something: Is it “Yeehaw” or “Heeyaw”? I’m riding in my first rodeo and don’t want to sound like a total idiot.
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Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex
The Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex
15. Madonna: “Dammit, you’re blocking the mirror!”
14. Verizon Wireless guy: “Can you feel me now? Good. Can you feel me now? Good. Can you….”
13. Charlie Sheen: “Do you take MasterCard?”
12. Susan Sarandon: “Let’s just continue with the inspections for a little while longer.”
11. Anna Nicole Smith: “Quick! Someone get a defibru… a defebrul… a diffruberal… a doctor!!”
10. Jack Webb: “Just relax, Ma’am.”
9. Andy Rooney: “Didja ever notice how sometimes your anus contracts during orgasm? Why is that?”
8. Winona Ryder: “How the hell should *I* know where your wallet is?!?”
7. Ben Affleck: “Thank you, Satan!”
6. Steve Irwin: “Crikey! A whopper like that could swallow a guy whole!”
5. Tony Blair: “Mind if I call you ‘Georgie’?”
4. Pat Sajak: “Yes, I can give you an ‘O’ — in fact, I can give you several!”
3. Wilt Chamberlain: “Next!”
2. Michael Jackson: “Where’s your daddy? Where’s your daddy?!?”
1. Simon Cowell: “That was horrible! Just dreadful. I believe you may be the worst sex partner in the world! I mean it, that was absolutely atrocious. I wouldn’t even call that sex.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.
14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.
13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.
12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.
11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”
10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.
9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.
8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.
7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.
6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.
5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.
4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.
3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”
2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”
1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
The Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
15. You get an angry phone call at 2 A.M. describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”
14. Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.
13. Your wife forbids you to do yard work.
12. Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.
11. Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”10. The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
9. Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.
8. There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.
7. You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.
6. Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”
5. After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.
4. There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.
3. You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.
2. Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.
1. Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves
The Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves
15. Recent flood of scripts with scenes involving cigars.
14. Your SAG card isn’t as impressive as it could be because it bears the name “BUSTY CHIXX.”
13. Video sales dropped 20% after Starr Report posted on the Web.
12. Wow! I can’t believe that a gorgeous adult video queen is *actually* reading one of my submissions!! I’m sorry — what was the question?
11. Inconsiderate jerk co-stars who grab the refried bean lunch special at the studio commissary.
10. Auto mechanic always over-stressing the words pump, hose, fill and lube when he works on your car.
9. Can’t enjoy a simple hot dog without thinking about work.
8. Friggin’ plumber always seems to break more than he fixes, conveniently guaranteeing himself weekly visits to the house.
7. Chauffeurs who keep asking if you want your top down.
6. Mail keeps getting misdelivered ever since you named yourself after a continent.
5. Directors who think that putting a girl on her knees on a rock-hard pool table under burning hot set lights for 5 hours straight with the ugliest partner known to man
4. Those embarrassing “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day” moments.
3. Trying to remove that piece of glued-on, strategically placed black paper after the magazine photo shoot.
2. All that pesky dialogue — was my line “yes, yes, oh baby!”, or “oh baby, yes, yes!”?
1. IRS auditors who keep demanding tangible evidence for “proof of employment.”
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ] -
Spain and Portugal Fit Like a Glove
Continental drift is no mere theory; it is fact. Forget about trying to fit Africa and South America together — just look at how Spain’s jagged western border fits Portugal’s jagged eastern border like a glove. Coincidence? Please.
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Top 16 Reasons Last Nights Date Was a Failure
The Top 16 Reasons Last Night’s Date Was a Failure
16. Two words: Crying Game
15. Putting chopsticks in your nose doesn’t go over so well since you hit the big four-oh.
14. You woke up in a tu-tu, a bra and scuba flippers – but where the hell is your hockey mask?
13. Losing that Happy Meal prize to your date in an arm-wrestling contest kind of put a damper on the rest of the evening.
12. You roll over and find a naked Ed Asner next to you.
11. You brought flowers and candy, she brought a lawyer and a restraining order.
10. O.J. Simpson mask definitely not a big hit.
9. Her job as an Elvis impersonator didn’t bother you until you discovered the sideburns are real.
8. You didn’t feel the earth move, but you learned an awful lot about life insurance.
7. Severe paper cuts from that popcorn-box trick forced you to go to the emergency room alone.
6. Everything was going great until the conversation shifted to rejected names for hurricanes.
5. The only tongue you got was at the deli counter.
4. A generally accepted rule of thumb is that your date should have the same number of digits after the date as before.
3. Your date’s position as environmental spokesperson really kept you from enjoying your porpoise sandwich.
2. You were only being honest, Gene Hackman in drag *is* arousing
1. Dinner reservations at House of Beans.
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Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp
The Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp
14. Your name: John
Your brother’s name: John
Your other brother’s name: John
Your sister’s name: Trixie13. Buys all his clothes at “Dennis Rodman’s House of Cool-Looking Shit.”
12. Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.
11. Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.
10. Comes home from work grumbling about “that damn Roxy in the S&M Department.”
9. When he’s carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, “$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!”
8. Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.
7. After you collect for your paper route, he demands his “taste.”
6. Charlie Sheen is your godfather.
5. You’re the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.
4. His most common threat: “Don’t make me slap you — this is my day off!”
3. Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.
2. Enough about the stable already, where’s the damn pony?
1. Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
