This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account!”
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosDelivery Style: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Microsoft Building
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign read “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”
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Techs to Change a Light Bulb?
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy-two: One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things wrong… Have you tried the light switch?Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just notice that the room is dark; we don’t actually fix the problem.Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine in my office.Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the new industry standard.Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider…Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, and you’ll need a forty-eight-hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb, so don’t expect to see either bulb for a week or so.Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero — well, actually one: the one who told the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a hardware problem. -
Now We’re Gonna Have to Piss in the Boat
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water.
On the tenth day, bleary-eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. “POOF!” out popped a tired old genie who said, “OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I’ve been doing this three-wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I’m burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I’m outta here. Make it a good one.”
The first guy, without hesitation or thought, blurted out, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!”
“Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.
“Great move, Einstein!” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. “Now we’re gonna have to piss in the boat!”
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Not Looked Back Since
To save money on fuel I took the mirrors off of my car to reduce drag.
I’ve not looked back since.
