When my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot of things changed.
Like my name, my phone number, and my address.
Delivery Style: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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A lot of things changed
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They’re calling it PaPal
Did you hear the Vatican is releasing an online payment system to absolve you of your sins?
They’re calling it PaPal. -
Priorities: Lawyering vs. Giving Back
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… no.”
“—or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted.
“—or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
The lawyer cut him off once again: “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
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I didn’t know she sold flowers
My girlfriend asked why I never buy her flowers.
I told her I didn’t know she sold flowers.
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Now it’s a Ford Focus
I just dumped some Adderall in my Ford Fiesta’s gas tank…
Now it’s a Ford Focus. -
Unexpected Guests: A Night at the Farm
A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer are driving down a country road.
Of course, their car breaks down, and they are forced to walk. They walk for hours, and as the sun is setting, they come upon an old farmhouse. They decide to take a chance and knock on the door. An old farmer answers, and the trio explain their situation.
The farmer says, “Welp, ain’t nobody ’round here can help y’all till the morning. But y’all are welcome to spend the night here. But one of y’all is gonna have to bed down in the barn, ’cause I only got two spare beds, ya see.”
So the trio draws straws, and the Jew gets the short one. He goes out to the barn to sleep, and everyone else goes to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Jew is standing there. The Jew says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a pig in there. It’s forbidden for me to sleep near such a filthy animal.”
So they wake up the Hindu, and he agrees to swap places with the Jew. Everyone goes back to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Hindu is standing there. The Hindu says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a cow in there. I am unworthy to sleep near such a holy animal.”
So they wake up the lawyer, and he goes out to sleep in the barn. Everyone goes back to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and there’s a pig and a cow standing there.
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Watching a live stream
Why did the woman bring a remote control to the lake?
She was watching a live stream.
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He had squatter’s rights
Why didn’t the personal trainer get kicked out of his apartment?
He had squatter’s rights.
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Don’t Worry, It’s Just the Drums!
The Drums, the Drums!
Two intrepid explorers are navigating up a remote river in Africa with the assistance of some native bearers.
The first night, around the fire, the sound of drums can be heard in the distance. The explorers are clearly discomfited by the sound, but the natives tell them to relax—it’s not a big deal.
The following night, the drums can be heard again, only much closer and louder. The explorers think this can’t be good and are visibly shaken. Again, the bearers tell them to calm down, that the drums are harmless.
The third night, the drums are louder still, and the explorers are barely keeping it together. Suddenly…the drums stop.
Now it is the bearers who are quaking, trembling in terror. When the explorers ask them the reason for this, the leader says, in a quavering voice,
“Very bad! When drums stop, bass solo begins!”
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Heavenly Rewards for Marital Honesty!
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is processing new entrants to heaven, but heaven is a fair distance away.
Peter asks the man at the front of the line, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”
The man replies, “I have never cheated on my wife.”
St. Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Lamborghini,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Peter asks the next man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Once, but I felt really guilty about it.”
Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Suzuki Sidekick,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Peter asks the third man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Oh, it’s not even funny how many times I cheated on my wife.”
Peter replies, “Okay, you get a motor scooter,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Soon, the Suzuki Sidekick driver runs into the Lamborghini driver, who’s crying while pulled over to the side of the road. He asks what’s wrong, and the Lamborghini driver replies, “I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!”
