I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no one laughed.
It turns out I’m not remotely funny.
Delivery Style: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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It Depends on Whos in the Will
Why do baby diapers have names like “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers,” while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”?
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!
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But Your Client Didnt
A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.
There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”
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Bald Bitches
Wife: Hey babe! I have to be honest with you about something.
Husband: Okay?
Wife: So the other night when you went out and you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls, I kind of went a little crazy.
Husband: (alarmed) What have you done?
Wife: I looked through your car and I couldn’t find any hair.
Husband: Of course, you’re not gonna find any hair.
Wife: So, you’re messing with bald bitches now? Is that what we’re into now? You go from one extreme to the next… like bald bitches.
Husband: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
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The Jumping Table
A man walked into a small-town antique store looking for a dining table.
Right away, he spotted the perfect one and asked the owner how much it cost.
“Two thousand dollars,” the owner said.
“Two thousand? That’s outrageous!” the man replied.
“Normally I’d agree,” said the owner, “but this isn’t an ordinary table. It has special powers.”
“Special powers? Prove it,” the man said.
The owner leaned over the table and asked, “How many floors are in this building?”
The table suddenly hopped into the air four times.
And sure enough, there were four floors.
The man raised an eyebrow.
“Alright,” he said, “ask it how much cash I’ve got in my wallet.”
The owner asked the question.
The table jumped eleven times.
“That’s amazing!” the man said. “I’ve got two five-dollar bills and a single. That’s eleven dollars exactly. I’ll take it.”
He paid the two thousand dollars, and the table was delivered the next day.
While it was being set up, his buddy stopped by to see the new purchase.
“It’s not just a table,” the man said proudly. “Watch this.”
He cleared his throat and asked, “How much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
The table went wild.
It started bouncing up and down nonstop.
Five minutes passed.
Then ten.
It was still going.
The man stared in disbelief.
“How on earth does she have that much money?” he muttered.
Suddenly, the table gave one last violent jump.
Its legs split apart.
And the drawers dropped straight to the floor.
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Bridge Out
A priest and pastor are standing on the side of the road. They are holding a sign that reads, “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”
A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” And speeds past them.
From around the corner they can hear screeching tires — then a big splash.
The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put a sign up that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
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Lady Leave Me Alone Im Married
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean. So’s the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, ‘Lady leave me alone, I’m married!’”
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While He Drove People Prayed
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.
He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”
St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”
