Anecdotal comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Little Johnny attends a horse auction with his father. He watches as his father moves from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes Johnny asks, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father says, “I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy one.”
Worried, Johnny says, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy mom.”
Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.
Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled.
“What happened to you?” asked Putin.
“Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.
The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
A man is invited to his girlfriend’s home for dinner to meet her family. He purchases a motorcycle the day of the dinner for an amazingly low price. The man selling the motorcycle throws in a free tub of Vaseline with the purchase. He tells the buyer that he is selling it for such a low price because this particular motorcycle can’t have a wet carburetor. The moment there is a hint of rain, it must be covered in Vaseline. The buyer agrees and can’t wait to show up at his girlfriend’s parents’ home riding a motorcycle.
I took my eight-year-old girl to the office with me on Bring Your Child to Work Day.
As we walked around the office, she starting crying, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my colleagues gathered round, she sobbed: “But Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor said, “Now THIS is a big, beautiful penis!”
Then he pulled his pants back up and told me to get undressed.
A cab driver dies and reaches the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher.
St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”
The preacher is shocked.
“But I am a man of the cloth! You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:
“This is Heaven, and up here we’re interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”
A German man walks into a McDonald’s in the United States…
After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonald’s in Germany.
An American customer overhears the man’s order, and he approaches the German man and says, “How could you be so stupid? You cannot order beer here.” while laughing at the German man right to his face.
The German man thinks for a second and then he starts laughing uncontrollably. Not just any laugh. This is a laugh so intense that he is struggling not to fall over.
The American customer is no longer laughing. He now has a puzzled look on his face. He asks the German man, “What’s so funny?”
The German man says, “I just realised that you came here for the food.”
A smart-mouthed teen at the back of the class raised his hand and asked…
“Miss, what would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class broke out in laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said… “Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”
My 4-year-old grandson came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
He stood there thinking for a moment… then ran to my bathroom and came back with my toothbrush.
He held it up with a charming little smile and said, “We better throw this one out too… ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”
