Format: anecdotal

Anecdotal comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Petey Penguin and the Blown Seal

    Petey Penguin goes on holiday to the land down under and takes a road trip across the Nullarbor Plain, a notoriously isolated road running for thousands of miles through hot, hot desert without a tree in sight.

    After days of driving through endless harsh desert, the engine in his clapped-out combi starts to splutter and die. Through the rippling heat haze ahead of him, Petey thinks he can just make out a servo (petrol station) in the far distance.

    With the air-con in his combi spurting out hot air and the engine spewing out smoke, he manages to limp the van into the shade of the servo.

    Petey’s luck is in! Not only does the servo have a mechanic and workshop, but also a nice air-conditioned shop, complete with a full gelato (ice-cream) bar!

    Petey explains his predicament to the friendly mechanic and then beats a retreat to the shop to cool down. Penguins aren’t great in the heat! He buys a whole tub of vanilla ice-cream and goes to town, like a dog at a tucker box, flippers to beak, no time for spoons, ice-cream flying everywhere!

    After he’s recovered his cool, Petey waddles out to talk to the mechanic, who’s busy working on the car.

    “Any idea what’s wrong with it?” Petey warbles nervously.

    “Yeah-nah. Looks like you’ve blown a seal!” drawls the mechanic.

    “No! It’s just ice-cream, honest!”

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  • The Duck Hunter and the Farmer

    A guy from the city decides he wants to go duck hunting. He’s out for several days before he even catches sight of a duck. Finally, he sees the perfect duck, takes aim, and fires. The duck falls, hits a barn, and goes into a farmer’s yard.

    The hunter climbs over the fence and goes into the farmer’s yard to get the duck. As soon as the hunter bends over to pick up the duck, this huge farmer comes out of the house. He takes one look at the hunter and says, “What are you doing in my yard?”

    The hunter points at the duck and says, “I’ve come to get the duck. It’s my duck.”

    The farmer says, “That’s not your duck. This is my yard. That duck fell and hit my barn.”

    The hunter is not about to give up the duck. He says, “That’s not your duck. I shot the duck. I’ve been out hunting for a couple of days. Give me a break. You know, I’m from the city.”

    The farmer says, “You’re from the city? Well, you don’t understand about how property works in the country, do you? This is my property. It’s my duck. But, I’m a fair guy, so I’ll give you a chance to get the duck by settling our disagreement country style.”

    The hunter says, “Country style?”

    The farmer nods, a great big smile on his face, and says, “Yeah. Country style.”

    The hunter frowns and asks, “How do you settle it country style?”

    The farmer’s smile gets even wider, and he says, “I kick you in the groin. And then you kick me in the groin. And we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever’s left standing keeps the duck.”

    The hunter does not like the sound of that, but he wants the duck. So he says, “Well, if that’s what I have to do.”

    The farmer nods and says, “I go first.” He hauls off and…WHACK. He kicks the hunter square in the groin. The hunter falls to the ground, clutching his groin and moaning in pain.

    After several minutes of rolling around in the dirt, the hunter manages to climb back up to his feet. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay. I guess it’s my turn.”

    The farmer shrugs and says, “You can have the duck.”

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  • Sally and the Obstetrician

    Sally, Billy Ray’s wife, pregnant with her first child, was at her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she said, “My husband wants me to ask you…”

    “I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

    “No, that’s not it at all,” Sally answered. “Billy Ray wants to know if I can still mow the yard.”

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  • The Burglarized House and the K-9 Unit

    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized…

    She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

    The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

    Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”

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  • David and the Nasty Parrot

    For his birthday, David got a parrot. But this wasn’t your average, sweet-talking bird — oh no. This parrot was fully grown, had a nasty attitude, and a mouth worse than a sailor on bad coffee. Every other word was rude, offensive, or downright unrepeatable. David tried everything to fix this feathered menace. He spoke kindly to it, played soft music, even tried classical music — nothing worked.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The more polite David was, the more disrespectful the parrot became. He yelled, it yelled louder. He threatened it, it cursed him out. It was like living with a feathery little gangster.

    One day, at his wit’s end, David lost it. In desperation, he gently shoved the parrot into the freezer for a few seconds — just to cool him off.

    The bird went wild — squawking, scratching, kicking the door — then suddenly… silence.

    Panicked, David flung open the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out, eyes wide and feathers frosty, and said in the most polite tone: “Sir, I deeply apologize for my past behavior. I have seen the error of my ways and will make every effort to be a model citizen from now on. Please forgive me.”

    David stood stunned. Before he could speak, the parrot leaned forward and whispered, “May I ask, what exactly did the poor chicken do?”

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  • The Janitor at the Clinic

    Old Doc Henderson had been wanting to get out to his deer stand for weeks, and one Thursday morning he decided enough was enough — the fish and the deer weren’t going to wait forever.

    He pulled his janitor, Clarence, aside and said, “Clarence, I need a favor. I’m going to head out to the woods for the day. You think you can hold down the fort here at the clinic? Answer the phone, show folks in, handle anything minor. I’ll give you fifty dollars.”

    Clarence puffed up a little. “Doc, you can count on me.” So Doc Henderson grabbed his rifle and his thermos and headed out, and Clarence settled behind the front desk like a man born to the role.

    The next morning, Doc came back and found Clarence looking very pleased with himself.

    “Well, Clarence? How did things go?”

    “Smooth as silk, Doc,” Clarence said, leaning back in his chair. “Three patients total. First fellow came in complaining of a headache. I gave him a couple of Tylenol and a glass of water and sent him on his way.”

    “Good thinking,” Doc said. “Second patient?”

    “Lady with a stomachache. I found some Maalox in the cabinet, gave her a dose, and she felt better almost right away.”

    “Excellent,” said Doc. “And the third?”

    Clarence’s expression shifted just slightly. He cleared his throat.

    “Well,” he said, “I was out back having my afternoon cigarette when I heard the front door fly open. I came back inside and found a woman standing in the waiting room in quite a state — very agitated, very distressed.

    Before I could say a word, she had kicked off her shoes, thrown her coat over a chair, and stretched herself right out on the examination table. And she looked up at me and hollered, ‘Please help me — I haven’t seen a man in over two years!’”

    Doc Henderson stared. “Good lord, Clarence. What in the world did you do?”

    Clarence shrugged calmly. “Put drops in her eyes.”

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  • The Dying Pastor and the Two Politicians

    An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for Joe Biden and Barack Obama to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.

    For a time, no one said anything. Both Biden and Obama were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

    They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, Obama asked, “Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”

    The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves… and that’s how I’d like to go.”

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  • The Sneezing Woman on the Flight

    A man and a woman happened to be seated side by side in first class on a cross-country flight. The flight was smooth, the seats were comfortable, and they had both settled in with their books.

    Then, without warning, the woman sneezed. She reached for a tissue, dabbed her nose politely — and then shuddered from head to toe as though someone had plugged her in. The man glanced over but said nothing.

    A few minutes later it happened again. She sneezed, reached for her tissue, and once more shook like a leaf in a thunderstorm. The man shifted in his seat. He tried to focus on his book. He could not.

    After the third time it happened, he set his book down, turned to her as discreetly as he could, and said, “Pardon me, ma’am — I don’t mean to pry, but three times now you’ve sneezed and then, well, shuddered something fierce right afterward. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”

    The woman looked a touch embarrassed but smiled graciously. “That’s very kind of you,” she said. “I have a rather rare medical condition. Every time I sneeze, I — how shall I put this — I have a very strong orgasm.”

    The man blinked. He opened his mouth. He closed it again. Then he said, “Goodness. I’ve never heard of anything like that. Are there any treatments? What do you take for it?”

    She turned to him with a perfectly straight face and replied, “Pepper.”

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  • The Talking Dog on the Porch

    A traveling salesman breaks down on a country road.

    He goes to the only farmhouse he can see. As he’s approaching the porch, a dog sits up and says, “Good afternoon, how are you?”

    “Oh my, you can talk!”

    “Yeah, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. The government found out about me and trained me to spy for them. Who would think the dog in the room was listening and reporting back what was said? I traveled the world several times over, sometimes helping to stop a war, and sometimes to start one. It was all very exciting but I finally decided to settle down here at this farmhouse and spend my remaining days on this peaceful porch.”

    “Wow, that’s amazing!”

    The salesman knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he’s interested in selling the dog.

    “Sure, I’ll take 10 bucks for him.”

    “Why so little, you do know he can talk?”

    “Yeah, I know, but he’s a liar. He’s never been off this porch!”

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  • The Police Dog Fetch

    Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    One says to the other, “I left my panties at the police station.”

    The other says, “Let the dog have a whiff of your minge and he’ll go and fetch them.”

    Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector’s fingers.

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