Yesterday, one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
Format: narrative
Narrative comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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A Winery Job Interview
At a winery, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
“That’s correct,” said the boss. Another glass…
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results.”
“Correct.” A third glass… “It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,” the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get the job, I’ll name the father.”
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The Assassin’s Rate
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”
“Yup.”
“What if you miss?”
He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”
“Okay, well, I’ve got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”
“Let’s go,” the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks.
“Hold on a minute,” said the assassin. “I think I can save you 10K.”
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A Visit To The Brothel
A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the headmistress for a woman for the evening, as his wife had left him.
She says, “Sure thing, but I gotta ask, what’s with the honeycomb and the donkey?”
He says, “Well, my wife found a genie’s lamp, and her first wish was a home fit for a queen, and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever, and so she got this very well-behaved donkey.”
The mistress asks about the third wish, and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee.
She says, “Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.”
“It wouldn’t be that bad except I used to be 6’3”!”
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A Florida Vacation
A man and his wife lived in New York, and it was winter, so they wanted to take a vacation to Florida for some nice weather.
One small hiccup, though: they were unable to take the same plane. So they agreed that the husband would go to Florida first, and the wife would follow the next day.
The man arrived in Florida safe and sound, and he used a hotel computer to email his wife, letting her know he made it. The problem, though, was that he accidentally forgot a letter in the email address, so the email went to the wrong person.
This wrong person happened to be a woman who buried her husband that very day. He was a minister. She decided to check her email in case anyone from her church wanted to send her condolences and words of encouragement. Needless to say, when she saw an email that started, “Dear loving wife,” she fainted. Her son heard her faint from the other room and rushed to his mother’s computer room to check on her. She was okay, but this is the email he found on her computer:
“Dear loving wife,
I have arrived.
I’m sure you’re surprised to be hearing from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I have been checked in. Don’t worry, preparations have already been made for your arrival tomorrow.
I hope your journey here is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It sure is hot down here.”
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Iced Tea With Two Ladies
Two southern ladies were sipping iced teas on a warm afternoon.
The first one wiggled her wrist and bragged, “See this tennis bracelet? My husband gave it to me just because.”
The second lady nodded and politely said, “Bless your heart.”
The first one then twirled her pearl necklace with her finger and said, “My husband gave me this for my birthday. Don’t you just love the luster?”
The second lady said, louder this time, “Bless your heart.”
The first one then said, “See this two-carat diamond ring?” Waving her hand in front of the second lady’s nose, she added, “My husband replaced my wedding ring with it because he is now so well off!”
The second lady exclaimed, “OH, BLESS YOUR HEART!”
The first lady then smugly said, “No offense, but what did your husband get you?”
The second lady replied, “He paid for me to go to charms school.”
“Oh dear, so what have you learned?” inquired the first lady condescendingly.
The second lady said, “We learned to say ‘bless your heart’ instead of ‘F*uck you!’”
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The Old-Timer’s Tips
A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
‘Do you think you could give me some tips?’ he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘Sure will,’ replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
‘That’s terrific!’ said the hot shot. ‘Got any more tips for me?’
‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the younger man.
‘You bet it will,’ said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy. ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’ The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
‘No,’ said the old-timer. ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, well, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.’
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The Walk Home
A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides, what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” says the man, “to tell the truth, neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
