Format: short

Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Pass Me the Vaseline

    Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

    The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. “Now don’t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise,” said the bride.

    Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife’s hand on the stump.

    “Hmmmmm,” she said softly, “that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I’ll see what I can do!”

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  • Eats Shoots and Leaves

    A prostitute enters a pub and notices a Panda bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the panda bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the Panda gets up and wanders towards the door. “HEY! Where are you going?” yells the prostitute. “I haven’t been paid!”

    Realizing that he is a Panda bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.

    She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros’ti toot) n. A woman who performs sexual services for money.

    The Panda bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: PANDA BEAR (pan der bare) n. Eats shoots and leaves.

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  • I Dont Want a Dog

    One night, a four-year-old heard some strange noises in his parents’ bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.

    Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says, “Uh, we’re, like, making a little brother for you.”

    The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing, “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”

    Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, Mom says they were making a little sister for him.

    “I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer!”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.

    Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in the parents’ bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying, “I don’t want a doooog!”

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  • Once a Sailor Always a Sailor

    On the day of the wedding, the bride was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family…

    And then she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes and began to panic.

    Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to the bride for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over the bride’s feet were hurting real bad.

    When she and the groom withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

    The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard the groom say, “God, that was tight.”

    “There,” whispered the mother of the bride. “I told you she was a virgin.”

    Then, to their surprise, they heard the groom say, “Right. Now for the other one.” Followed by more grunting and straining, at last the groom said, “My God. That was even tighter.”

    “That’s my boy,” said the father of the groom. “Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

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  • Why Didnt You Keep Him When You Took His Picture

    Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

    “Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.”

    So Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

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  • Stop Wearing My Clothes to School

    Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. “First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse,” she said softly.

    So Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

    “O.K., now take off my skirt,” and he takes off her skirt.

    “Now take off my bra,” which he does.

    “And now, Johnny, take off my knickers.” Johnny takes her knickers off. “Johnny, for the last time… STOP WEARING MY CLOTHES TO SCHOOL!”

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  • That Same Thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff Used to Do

    Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

    Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

    “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY…”

    Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

    So Johnny tells her, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

    At this point, Johnny’s mother cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, so suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell the rest tonight.”

    At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car in the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and said, “…then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army!”

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  • 30 to 1 Odds

    Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

    When the day came, Little Johnny and his daddy got in the car and headed for the zoo. They were gone most of the day, and as the sun was setting, they arrived home.

    “So how was it?” his mother asked Little Johnny.

    “Great!” Little Johnny replied.

    “Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

    “Yeah, Daddy really liked it a lot,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, “especially when one of the horses came racing home at 30 to 1 odds!”

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  • I Had It on the Tip of My Tongue

    Well today, little Johnnie’s class is on a field trip to the local mall to visit Santa Claus. Little Mary goes and sits on Santa’s lap and asks for her Barbie doll, and crayons and what have you. All the kids have their turn and it’s finally up to Johnnie to go up to see Santa.

    Little Johnnie goes to Santa and says, “Yo Santa, if you’re so smart and wise, can you tell me how to spell ‘clitoris’?”

    “Oh Gee Whiz Johnnie!” exclaims Santa all surprised. “I can’t remember now, you should have asked me that one yesterday, I had it on the tip of my tongue!”

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  • I Know the Whole Truth

    At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

    Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”

    His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

    Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

    The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

    The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

    The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

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