Format: short

Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Bachelor Party Disaster Meets Perfect Comeback

    A guy’s getting married on Saturday. Friday night, his friends take him out, get him waylaid, bylaid, rolaid, mislaid, up, down, up, bing, bang, boom, forget it, his pecker is a mangled mess, he doesn’t know what to do.

    He takes two popsicle sticks, puts them alongside his dick, and wraps it with adhesive tape. The next day he gets married.

    Here they are in their honeymoon suite… she walks out stark naked… She says, “Look, honey. Untouched by human hands.”

    He’s gotta think quick… He pulls down his pants and says, “Look! Hah! Not even out of the crate.”

  • Potential vs. Reality: A Million Dollar Lesson

    A son asked his father: “Dad, what’s the difference between potential and reality?” (a question he was asked at school)

    His father replied: “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks.”

    The son did this and returned that his mother would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks. His father said: “Now go ask your sister if she would sleep with the milkman for a million dollars.”

    The son did this and later replied: “Sis said that she too would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks.”

    His father then said: “Go ask your brother if he would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks.”

    The son, getting rather irritated, did this. He returned and said: “Ivor also said that he would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks. I am getting tired of asking people if they will sleep with the milkman. Please tell me, what’s the difference between potential and reality?”

    His father looked at him and said: “This family has the potential to make $3,000,000, but the reality is that we have two sluts and a homo in the family.” That’s the difference!

  • Hold On for Eight Seconds

    Do you know what a rodeo fuck is?

    Your wife/girlfriend gets on all fours. You mount up, making sure you have a good grip.

    Then you say, “Honey, you’re the worst piece of ass I ever had!”

    Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

  • Birds and Bees: No Homework Allowed

    My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns

    A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”

    “Mom, I’m pregnant.”
    “How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
    “That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”

    “Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

  • Grandma’s Shock at Modern Sex Education Curriculum

    Grandma, who was living with her daughter’s family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school. “What did you learn today?” she asked.

    “Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff,” he replied matter-of-factly.

    The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter.

    Her daughter replied, “Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it’s all part of the curriculum.”

    A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her grandson’s bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating.

    “Sonny,” she said, “when you’re finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat.”

  • Fresh Liver Fixes Everything Until It Ends Up in the Sink

    It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.

    So when a guy from the office whom she really liked asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a kilo of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date and slides that kilo of liver into her box, hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.

    Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each other’s arms.

    Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, “Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I’m doomed to end up an old maid.”

    She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table…..

    “Dear Annie,

    Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL!

    Sorry I had to leave so early, but I’ll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON!

    Love You,
    Bill

    (P.S. Your cunt’s in the sink)”

  • Freddo’s Magical Tongue Gets the Girl

    This guy walks into a bar carrying a shoe box, and proceeds to sit down and places the box on the bar. As the night rolls on and a beauty sits next to him he can’t help but notice her curiosity with the box. So after a while he asks her if she would like to receive the best tongue sex of her life.

    She eagerly accepts, but the guy tells her it is to be from his pet frog Freddo. By this time the beauty is getting pretty tipsy and insists on seeing the frog first. So the guy gets him out and presses just behind the jaw of the frog to make him flop his tongue out. At the sight of the size of the tongue the beauty can’t wait and just about tears the guy’s arm off getting him and the frog to her apartment, where she immediately undresses and lays spread eagle on the bed awaiting Freddo and his tongue.

    The guy places Freddo between her legs and repeats “lick-her” several times. A few minutes pass and nothing, he repeats “lick-her”, still no response from Freddo.

    Before the beauty can complain again, the guy picks up Freddo and says, “This is the last time I show you how this is done!”

  • Beach Woman’s Unexpected Question Ruins Everything

    Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach. Well the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says “What will we name the child?”

    Well the guy freaks and runs away.

    So the second guy goes over to her and starts doing his thing when she says “What will we name the child?”

    He freaks out also and runs away.

    The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a rubber and goes to do his thing. When she says “What will we name the child?”

    He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the rubber, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.

    He turns to the girl and says “If he gets out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”

  • German Study Challenges American Penis Research Findings

    Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

    After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to conduct their own study.

    The Poles didn’t really trust the U.S. or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the Polish study was complete. The Polish study came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

  • Miracle Pill Transforms Bedroom Performance Overnight

    A woman walks into her sex therapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

    The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.

    The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.

    The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn’t know; it’s an experimental drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist’s office and puts the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband’s morning coffee.

    A week later, a boy walks into the therapist’s office and says: “Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?”

    “Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?”

    “Well, mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad’s sittin’ in the corner going ‘Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…’”