A gorgeous blonde goes into confession. “My boyfriend made love to me seven times last night”, she told the priest.
“Drink the juice of seven lemons”, said the priest.
“Will that absolve me of my sins?” she asked.
“No, but it’ll wipe that smile off your face.”
Format: short
Short comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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A guy goes to the doctor
A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I feel really terrible the last day or two. My entire body aches, my vision and hearing are failing, I’m completely fatigued, and just feeling malaise overall.”
The doctor says “We’re going to run some tests on you, come back tomorrow for the results.”
The guy comes back the next day and the doctor says, “I have some very bad news. Please sit down.”
He continues, “You have an extraordinarily rare disease, we believe it’s virus, but it’s so rare it doesn’t even have a name yet. This illness is ravaging your whole body – the nervous system, respiratory system, cardiovascular system, digestive system, reproductive system, all of the systems in your body are shutting down quite rapidly. The entire medical field is confounded by the sudden onset of this disease, and so far, researchers have found no treatment or cure. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have about 3 days to live, maybe less.”
The man slumps over, fully in shock, and says “Oh my God, Doc. This can’t be happening. I’m young, I have a family, I have so much to live for. Is there ANYTHING that can be done?”
The doc replies, “Again, and I’m so sorry to say this, but there is nothing we can do. You will be dead within days.”
The man begins to shake and weep, crying “Please, doc, I have a wife and two young children. I can’t do this to them. My babies can’t grow up without a father. And my wife is the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met, and neither of us have any living family members left. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her alone in the world to try and care for our children.”
The man then begins to loudly sob, “PLEASE, doc, I’m BEGGING YOU, is there ANYTHING that can be done? An experimental drug or treatment? PLEASE, I will try ANYTHING!”
The doctor says, “Well, there is one treatment I’ve heard about. I cannot vouch for it and I don’t believe there’s any research showing any efficacy.”
The man’s eyes widen and he asks, “PLEASE TELL ME!”
Doctor says, “Okay, there is a holistic spa just across town. This spa offers a unique type of mud bath, not unlike a mud mask used for skin care, except it is applied to the entire body. The mud is actually a type of mineral-rich clay that is only found in two areas of the world. If you leave my office right now, you should be able to get there in about five minutes and undergo the treatment.”
The man asks through tears, “Is there a chance I will get better?”
The doctor says, “No, but it will help you start getting used to the dirt.”
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Little Johnny refused to study math
Little Johnny refused to study math so his parents decided to put him in Catholic school and let the nuns fix the situation. Sure enough, Johnny came home after her very first day and went straight to his room to work on his math homework. Right after dinner, he went back to his room to study math, right up to bedtime. And even after bedtime, his parents found him working on math problems with a flashlight under his blanket.
The next morning, while Johnny was working on math problems over breakfast, his baffled parents asked him why his new school had changed his attitude towards math so quickly. He answered with a terrified whisper:
“When the nuns took us to chapel, I saw the guy they nailed to the plus sign…. I knew they weren’t joking around.”
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Changing a flat tire
A guy’s on the side of the highway changing a flat.
A patrol car pulls up. The officer steps out and says, “Sir, we received a report of an emergency…”Before he can finish, another cruiser comes flying up from behind, speeding in the same direction. It slams on the brakes and skids in behind the first car. The second officer jumps out, a little out of breath. He takes one look around and says, “Oh… I thought…”
Suddenly, from the opposite side of the highway, a third cruiser whips a U-turn across the median, sirens blaring, and screeches to a stop.
The third officer jumps out and runs up. “Are there any left?”
The first two silently point at the spare tire. The third officer squints at it.
“We really need better descriptions from dispatch, this is not what I would call a donut emergency”
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The tired lawyer
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the hot tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the hot bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’
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Little Johnny is Smart
A female third-grade teacher was having a problem with Little Johnny in her class.
Little Johnny said, “Teacher, I should be in Grade 4. I’m smarter than my sister, and she’s in Grade 4.”
The teacher had heard enough and took him to the principal.
The principal decided to test Little Johnny with some Grade 4 questions.
Principal: “What is 3+3?”
Little Johnny: “6.”Principal: “6+6?”
Little Johnny: “12.”Little Johnny got all the questions right, so the principal told the teacher to send him to Grade 4 immediately.
The teacher decided to ask her own questions, and the principal agreed.
Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two?”
Little Johnny: “Legs.”Teacher: “What is in your trousers that I don’t have?”
Little Johnny: “Pockets.”Teacher: “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Little Johnny: “Coconut.”Teacher: “What goes in hard, then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened wide, but before he could stop him, Little Johnny answered:
Little Johnny: “Bubble gum.”Teacher: “You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
Little Johnny: “Tent.”The principal was looking restless.
Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
Little Johnny: “Wedding ring.”Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Little Johnny: “Nose.”Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Little Johnny: “Arrow.”Principal: “OH MY GOD!”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K, and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?”
Little Johnny: “Fork.”Teacher: “What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his, and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?”
Little Johnny: “Surname.”Principal: “Ohooo!”
Teacher: “What part of a man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins and is responsible for making love?”
Little Johnny: “Heart.”Principal: “Eeeeeh!”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this boy straight to college. I got all the answers wrong myself!”
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Mormon and Irishman
A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in first class on a flight out of NYC.
Once the plane was airborne and the seatbelt sign was turned off, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was brought to him right away and placed in front of him.
Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon what he wanted to drink, and he replied, “I would rather be raped by twelve wild whores than let demon liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Same here. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
