Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Well I’m Here Now

    A member of the KGB is walking along a production line in a factory and decides to ask a few questions of one of the workers.

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had a drink of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker thinks a bit and replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had five drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker again considers this a bit and again replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had ten drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker answers quickly, “Well, I’m here now…”

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  • Three Pregnant Women at the Bar

    Three women were sitting in a bar, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. They were all pregnant.

    The brunette says, “I know what I’m going to have.” The other two asked how.

    She replied, “Well, I was on top when I conceived, so I will have a baby boy.”

    The redhead said, “If your logic is correct, then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.”

    The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”

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  • Friday Afternoon at the Bar

    A guy walked into his local bar one Friday afternoon right after clocking out of work.

    Stepping up to the counter, he spotted his good friend Joe slamming back two double shots in a row, wearing a thoroughly miserable scowl.

    “What’s with the long face, Joe?” the guy asked, taking a seat beside him.

    Joe let out a heavy sigh. “My wife sat me down this morning and told me she’s putting me on a strict schedule. From now on, she’s only going to sleep with me on Mondays and Thursdays.”

    His buddy clapped him on the shoulder and said, “Come on, cheer up! Look on the bright side… she’s cut the rest of us off completely.”

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  • An Ad for a Husband

    A woman places an ad for a husband: Must not lay a hand to me, must not run around on me, and must be good in bed.

    A couple of days later the doorbell rings and she answers the door.

    Sitting on her porch is a man in a wheelchair with no arms nor legs.

    She says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood the ad.”

    The man asks, “Why? I have no arms, so I won’t lay a hand to you, and I have no legs, so I won’t run around on you.”

    The woman replies, “But the ad also said you had to be good in bed.”

    The man says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

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  • The Height of a Flagpole

    Two blondes are trying to estimate the height of a flagpole.

    A builder walks past and they explain their problem. He says, “That’s simple, ladies, watch this.”

    He unbolts it, lies it flat and measures it. One blonde says to the other blonde, “What a DICK, need to know the height not the fkn length.”

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  • Two Boys at the Pharmacy

    Two young boys walk into a pharmacy, pick out a box of tampons, and take them to the checkout.

    The pharmacist looks at the older boy.

    “How old are you, son?”

    “Eight.”

    “Do you know what these are used for?”

    “Not exactly,” the boy replies. “They’re not for me. They’re for my brother. He’s four.”

    “Oh, really?” the pharmacist asks.

    “Yeah. We saw on TV that if you use these, you can swim, play tennis, and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do any of those.”

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  • A Guy Comes Home from Work

    A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger banging his wife.

    The guy says, “Hey! What the hell is going on here!?!”

    And his wife says to the stranger, “See? I told you he was stupid.”

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  • Donating Blood

    A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “What is your blood type?”

    The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type O.”

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  • Every Time I Drink Coffee

    A guy goes to a doctor and says, “Every time I drink coffee I get a stabbing pain in my eye!”

    The doctor says, “Take the spoon out of your cup.”

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  • A Trained Crocodile

    A circus claims to have a truly unique attraction: a trained crocodile.

    The crocodile shows some truly astonishing skills like jumping through a burning hoop, riding a bicycle, and even smoking a pipe.

    At the end of the show, the crocodile’s trainer instructs the orchestra to play a dramatic flourish as he unzips his pants and places his member into the crocodile’s open mouth. The crocodile then gently closes its mouth until the trainer gives it a good, solid whack between the eyes, upon which the crocodile lets go of his member without as much as a scratch. The audience erupts in applause until the trainer gestures for them to be quiet.

    “Any gentleman within the audience who is willing to repeat this, I will give them $1,000 in cash!” he proclaims. Nobody answers, so he ups the ante to $2,000, then $3,000 and even $4,000 until, when he calls out: “Alright, then, $5,000!” a man in the audience stands up.

    “I’ll do it! But on one condition!”

    “And what would that be?” asks the trainer.

    “Don’t hit me between the eyes like that.”

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