A dad bought a lie-detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosJoke Type: anecdotal
Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Signing My Dogs Up for Welfare
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn, this is a great country.
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Meals on Wheels
A cat passed away after a long, happy life on a farm.
When she arrived at Heaven’s gates, God welcomed her and said, “You were a good cat. Anything you want — just ask.”
The cat thought for a moment and said, “Well… I always slept on cold, hard floors. I would love a big, soft pillow.”
“Say no more,” God replied.
POOF! The cat now had the fluffiest pillow she had ever seen.
A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic accident and arrived at Heaven together.
God met them at the gates and asked what they would like.
The mice said, “All our lives we had to run from cats, dogs — even broomsticks! If we could have little roller skates, we’d never have to run again!”
God smiled…
POOF! Six happy mice skating around Heaven in style.
About a week later, God stopped by to check on the cat. She was curled up on her pillow, sleeping like royalty.
“Hello, my child,” God said softly. “How are you enjoying Heaven?”
The cat stretched, purred, and said, “Oh, it’s wonderful! The pillow is perfect… and those little ‘Meals on Wheels’ you keep sending over are delicious!”
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Nature’s Way of Saying
Garage sales: nature’s way of saying, “Here, let me pay you to throw this out for me.”
