Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Siberian Coal Miner and the Wheelbarrow

    Back in Soviet Russia there was a man working in a Siberian coal mine.

    Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home and the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables.

    The security guard never found anything so he’d let the man reload the dirt and go home.

    This went on for 25 years until the man was finally allowed to retire.

    On his last day the security guard said, “I know you’ve been smuggling something out of here all of these years. Please, just tell me what it was.”

    The man replied with a sly wink, “Wheelbarrows.”

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  • They Just Call It Tuesday

    My grandfather said he’d never move into a retirement home.
    He said, “Too expensive… and the food tastes like someone boiled sadness.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Instead, he checked into a beachfront hotel.
    We asked, “Grandpa, isn’t that even more expensive?”

    He smiled and said, “Not really.
    At the retirement home, I’d pay $200 a day for cold meatloaf and no visitors.
    But here? For $150 a day, I get ocean views, room service, fresh towels, a pool…
    …and suddenly all my grandkids remember I exist every weekend.”

    Then he leaned back in his chair and delivered the final line like a mob boss:
    “And if I die in the hotel lobby, the manager will actually look disappointed.
    But at the nursing home? They just call it Tuesday.”

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  • She Got in the Back Seat by Mistake

    An elderly Floridian calls 911 to report that her car has been broken into.

    She is hysterical as she explains the situation to the dispatcher:

    “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!”

    “Stay calm,” says the dispatcher. “An officer is on the way.”

    A few minutes later, the officer radios in:

    “Disregard. She got in the back seat by mistake.”

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  • Irish Viagra

    An Irish woman of a certain age went to see her doctor and asked if there was anything he could prescribe to help revive her husband’s love life.

    “Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked.

    “Not a hope,” she replied. “The man won’t even take a paracetamol.”

    “No problem,” said the doctor. “Try what we call ‘Irish Viagra.’ Slip a tablet into his coffee. He’ll never notice it. Give it a go and ring me next week to let me know how you get on.”

    Well, she didn’t even last the week before calling him back.

    “Doctor!” she cried. “Faith and begorrah, it was awful! Absolutely terrible!”

    “Really?” the doctor asked. “What happened?”

    “Well, I did exactly what you said and dropped the tablet into his coffee. The effect was nearly instant. He leapt to his feet with a wild sparkle in his eye and his trousers bulging like a circus tent!”

    The doctor said, “Good heavens.”

    “Before I knew it, he swept the cups clean off the table, tore me clothes clean off me back, and took me there and then, right on the tabletop!”

    “So why was it so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Was the sex not good?”

    “Good?” she shouted. “It was the best sex I’ve had in twenty-five years!” She paused dramatically.

    “But I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

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  • How Do You Arrange a Flood

    Two retired New York businessmen run into each other in Florida.

    After the usual greetings, the second one asked the first guy, “What happened to your business?” The first guy answers, “Competition started eating into my profits. There was a fire that destroyed the business so I decided to take the insurance money and retire. What about your business?” The second guy says, “Similar to you but I had a flood destroy my business.” The first man asks, “How do you arrange a flood?”

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  • The End of the Line

    A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant.

    Interested, he goes to learn more.

    “Can you give me some more details on this job?” he asks the clerk.

    The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they’re ready for the examination. There’s an annual salary of $75,000, but you’re going to have to go to Perth – other side of the country.”

    The man says, “Oh, is that where the job is?”

    The clerk says, “No sir. That’s where the end of the line is right now.”

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  • Getting Farther Away From the Paint Can

    Billy Ray was hired to paint the yellow stripes on the highway. His first day he painted 10 miles.

    The second day he only painted 5. His boss, seeing how he was getting slower, decided to give him a day off, thinking that he needed a rest. When he came back the next day, he only painted 1/2 mile.

    His now discouraged boss came up to him one day and said, “Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?”

    “Simple,” Billy Ray answered, “I’ve been getting farther away from the paint can!”

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  • Did You Call for Me

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” The newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”

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  • Me Neither

    A primary school teacher said to a lady, “Madam, I’m sorry to tell you that in class, your son is copying from his classmate.”

    The lady asks, “Why do you say that?”

    The teacher replies, “Well, he and his neighbor make the same mistakes.”

    The lady says, “Ah, but it may be his classmate is copying from him!”

    The teacher replies, “No, because on an assignment they were asked where the island of Montreal is. His classmate wrote, ‘I don’t know,’ and your son wrote, ‘Me neither.’”

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  • And Any Weaknesses

    “I once farted so loud that everyone in the grocery store ducked.”

    Interviewer: “Ok… and any weaknesses?”