Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Photoshopped Waldo Out Of Wheres Waldo

    Photoshopped Waldo Out Of Wheres Waldo

  • Rented a Tux for Dad

    This guy’s father dies, so he goes to the undertaker and tells him he wants the best of everything for his father. The funeral is absolutely beautiful, and the guy is extremely pleased.

    The next day, the guy gets a bill for $16,085, and he pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for $85. He figures it’s just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too.

    Next month, another bill for $85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, “I keep getting these bills for 85 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already.”

    The undertaker says, “Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux.”

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  • The Nun and the Golf Game

    A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

    “It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

    “I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

    “Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

    “Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

    “Well, we were on the fifth tee… and this hole is a monster, Mother; a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green… and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted… and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

    “Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

    “No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

    “Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.

    “But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

    “So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

    “Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

    “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

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  • The Pope at the Gates of Heaven

    The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven…

    He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

    St. Peter: “Yes? How can I help you?”

    Pope: “I want to speak with God.”

    St. Peter: “And you are?”

    Pope, frustrated: “I’m the Pope!”

    St. Peter: “Doesn’t ring a bell.”

    Pope, very angry: “I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!”

    St. Peter closes the Gate and goes to God.

    St. Peter: “My Lord, there is someone who wants to talk with you.”

    God: “Who?”

    St. Peter: “He calls himself the Pope.”

    God: “Who is that supposed to be?”

    St. Peter: “I don’t know, what should we do with him?”

    God: “Let Jesus talk with him, he spent some time down there.”

    Jesus goes to the Pope.

    A few minutes later Jesus returns laughing like there is no tomorrow.

    God: “What’s so funny, Jesus?”

    Jesus: “Father, you won’t believe this — that fishing club I founded 2,000 years ago, it still exists!”

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  • The Gynecologist Mechanic

    A gynecologist had grown tired of malpractice insurance, paperwork, and burnout.

    Hoping to start a new career where skilled hands would still be useful, he decided to become a mechanic.

    He enrolled in evening classes at a local technical college, studied diligently, and learned everything he could.

    When the practical exam finally arrived, he prepared carefully and completed it with tremendous skill.

    A few days later, he received his results and was shocked to discover he had scored 150%.

    Assuming there had been some kind of mistake, he called the instructor.

    “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful,” he said, “but I think there may be an error in my score.”

    The instructor replied, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly. That earned you 50%.”

    “You then put the engine back together perfectly. That earned you the other 50%.”

    After a brief pause, the instructor added:

    “I gave you an extra 50% because you did the whole thing through the exhaust pipe, and I’ve never seen that done before.”

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  • Jose at the Ballgame

    A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

    He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

    “What happened?” asked his family.

    “Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!” he said. “Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, ‘Jose, can you see?’”

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  • How to Wave a Blanket

    An old Australian farmer marries the beautiful twenty-year-old daughter of a neighbouring farmer. After a week or two of regular sex, the farmer can’t seem to make the young woman climax. There is no doctor in the nearby town so he goes to visit the veterinarian and explains the situation.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The vet thinks for a little while and then says, “While I am not a human doctor, when farmers can’t get their cows excited for the bull, it’s usually on a very hot day like it is now. The farmer will wave a large blanket over the cow, which seems to get her into the mood.”

    The old farmer thinks for a while and decides to hire a young man from the town to wave the blanket while he makes love to his beautiful young wife.

    The young man dutifully waves the blanket over the copulating couple but after about ten minutes she remains unimpressed.

    Perturbed by now, the old farmer says to the young man, “Let’s swap places and see what happens.” The farmer then starts waving the blanket vigorously and soon his beautiful young wife begins to climax numerous times.

    The old man drops the blanket and proudly yells, “That, my boy, is how you wave a fuckin’ blanket.”

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  • Sister Sally and the Gin

    Sister Sally goes into the liquor store and asks for a pint of gin.

    The clerk is taken aback. “Sister. What are you doing buying such a thing?”

    “It’s okay,” replied Sister Sally. “It’s for the Mother Superior’s constipation.”

    “Oh well then that’s okay.” And he sells her the gin.

    After he closes up shop, he’s walking home and sees Sister Sally on the park bench absolutely blotto, just sloppy and singing bawdy songs and making a spectacle of herself.

    “Sister!” he cried. “I thought you said the gin was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”

    “It is,” replied the Sister. “When she sees me like this she’s gonna shit!”

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  • Is There Baseball in Heaven

    Two elderly Jews, Abe and Solomon, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons, and talking about baseball, like they do every single day.

    Abe turns to Sol and says, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?”

    Sol thinks about this for a minute, and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you can do the same for me.”

    They shake on it, and sadly, a couple of months later, Abe passes on.

    One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…”

    Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”

    “Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.

    Sol, still amazed, asks, “So… Is there baseball in heaven?”

    “Well,” says Abe, “there’s good news, and there’s bad news.”

    “Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.

    Abe says, “Well, I can tell you that there IS baseball in heaven!”

    Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that???”

    Abe sighs sadly, and whispers, “You’re pitching for us on Friday…”

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  • Coffee on the Captain

    Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

    “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD!”

    Silence followed and passengers waited with bated breath.

    Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

    “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

    One Irish passenger yelled, “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK OF MINE!!!”

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