Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • But You Were 147 Votes Short

    Famous dentist Sam and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

    Sam looked at his wife’s face for a moment and asked, “Darling, did you ever cheat on me in these fifty years?”

    The woman, quite surprised by her husband’s question, remained silent for a while.

    “If my answer is yes, wouldn’t your opinion of me change? Do you still want to know despite everything?”

    “No, my love, it wouldn’t change, and I really do want to know. Please tell me.”

    “Since you want to learn, yes, darling, I cheated on you three times,” the woman replied.

    “Who were these people?” Sam asked.

    “The first one,” the woman began to explain, “remember when you were 30 years old and wanted to open your own clinic, but no bank manager would give you a loan? Then one bank manager came to the house. Without asking anything, he had you sign all the papers, and you were able to open your clinic with ultra-modern equipment. Do you remember?”

    “Ahhh, my darling. So you sacrificed yourself for me, my dear wife,” Sam said. “And the second one?”

    “Remember when you had a heart attack at 39, and you needed critical bypass surgery, but no doctor had the courage to do it? You could have died any moment. Dr. Halery got up from all that distance, came, performed your surgery, and brought you back to life,” his wife said.

    “Ahhh, my beloved wife, so you sacrificed yourself once more to save my life, is that right? And the third infidelity?”

    “Do you remember? Years ago, you were 43 and wanted to become the president of the dentists’ chamber, but you were 147 votes short…”

  • The Word Is Sternum

    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

    Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

    You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

    “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”

    “We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum and wrap a wire around it to hold it in place.”

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

    “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

    He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.

    “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

  • Anything Sweet in There

    I hobbled into the pharmacy and caught the attention of the young man behind the counter.

    “I need to speak with whoever’s in charge today,” I told him.

    While he went to fetch someone, I quietly set a small glass jar and a teaspoon on the counter and waited patiently.

    The pharmacist appeared — all professional and polished — and clasped his hands together. “What can I do for you today, ma’am?”

    I pushed the jar and spoon toward him and said, “I hate to be a bother, but would you be a dear and taste this for me? My arthritis makes it hard to tell if things taste right anymore.”

    He looked at the jar. Then at me. Then back at the jar.

    I gave him my most helpless grandmother smile. That did it.

    He sighed, dipped the spoon in, and took a small taste.

    The reaction was immediate. His face went through about six different colors before he lunged for the trash can, sputtering and gagging like a cat with a hairball.

    I waited for him to compose himself.

    “Well?” I asked pleasantly. “Anything sweet in there?”

    He wheezed, eyes watering. “Absolutely NOT. That’s the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my life.”

    I snapped my purse shut and nodded with satisfaction.

    “Perfect. My doctor told me to bring a urine sample to the pharmacy and have someone check it for sugar.”

  • Ill Wait for the State Trooper

    In the middle of the night, a retired Marine is driving from Dallas to Houston, while an Army paratrooper is heading from Houston to Dallas. There’s not another car on the highway when they crash head-on, sending both trucks spinning off in opposite directions. Metal crunches, airbags pop, and everything goes silent.

    The Marine climbs out of his wrecked pickup, looks at the twisted steel, and shakes his head. “Man… I’m lucky to be alive,” he mutters, brushing himself off. He can’t believe he walked away without a scratch.

    The paratrooper crawls out of his SUV and stares at the damage. “I don’t know how I survived that,” he says, looking up at the sky. Both men realize it could’ve been a whole lot worse.

    The Marine walks over and says, “You know, maybe this is a sign. Instead of teasing each other about which branch is tougher, maybe we ought to call it even and be friends.”

    The paratrooper thinks for a second, then nods. “You’re right. Life’s too short.”

    The Marine says, “Let me see if anything else survived.” He checks the back of his truck and finds a full, unopened bottle of good Kentucky bourbon. Holding it up, he grins. “Seems like another sign we should toast to our new friendship.”

    “Well, I won’t argue with that,” the paratrooper laughs. He takes the bottle and drinks nearly half of it in one go. Wiping his mouth, he hands it back. “Smooth stuff. Your turn!”

    The Marine calmly screws the cap back on the bottle and tucks it under his arm. “Nah,” he says with a smile. “I think I’ll wait for the state trooper.”

  • Exactly Where Is Larrys Bar

    A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

    “Relax,” says the doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

  • Tickets Please

    Three retired NASA engineers and three IRS accountants are taking an Amtrak train to a conference in Chicago.

    At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and notice the three engineers buying only one.

    “How are three grown men going to ride on one ticket?” one accountant asks.

    “Just watch,” one of the engineers says with a grin.

    They board the train. The accountants sit in their seats while the engineers squeeze into a restroom and lock the door.

    Soon the conductor walks through the carriage calling, “Tickets, please!” He knocks on the restroom door. The door cracks open and a single hand sticks out holding one ticket. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The accountants nod at each other, impressed.

    After the conference, the accountants decide to try the same trick on the way home. This time they proudly buy just one ticket.

    To their surprise, the engineers don’t buy any at all.

    “How are you riding without a ticket?” an accountant whispers.

    “Just watch,” the engineer replies.

    On the train ride back, the accountants pile into one restroom and the engineers slip into another.

    The train pulls out of the station. A few minutes later, one of the engineers quietly steps out of his restroom. He walks over to the accountants’ door and knocks.

    In his best official voice he says, “Tickets, please.”

  • The Doctor Had Both His Hands on My Shoulders

    A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.

    The doctor examined him and explained: “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.”

    Later that evening, the man asks his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,

    “Aahhhhh!”

    “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.

    “No… I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”

  • What the Hell Is a Pinata

    Al and Joe are bungee jumping one day.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    Al says to Joe, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don’t have it there.”

    Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they’ll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

    They travel to Mexico and begin setting up in the square. As they construct the tower, a crowd assembles. More and more people gather to watch.

    When they finish, the crowd is so large they decide to give a demonstration.

    Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices cuts and scratches.

    Joe fails to catch him. Al falls again, bounces, and comes up bruised and bleeding. Joe misses him again.

    Al falls once more and bounces back up, this time badly injured with broken bones and nearly unconscious. Joe finally catches him and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”

    Barely able to speak, Al gasps, “No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?”