Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Her Story vs His Story

    A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

    Her story:

    He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.

    Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.

    Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don’t know, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else????

    His story:

    Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some lovin’ though.

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  • So Is the Red Haired Schoolteacher

    The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night.

    “Well, we’re a mite crowded, since there’s already someone in the spare room,” replied the farmer. “But I guess you can stay if you don’t mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.”

    “Look,” said the tourist, “I want you to know I’m a gentleman.”

    “Well,” mused the farmer, “as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.”

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  • All These Years Ive Been Wringing It

    Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

    “Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

    “Like what?” Martin said.

    “All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.

    “Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.

    “Straight, like normal,” Gary said.

    “I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.

    Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

    “What did you do that for?” Martin said.

    “Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”

    “Cripes,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”

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  • Take a Clean Dish

    Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”

    “Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.

    “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish and….’”

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  • Counting Your Ribs

    Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.

    “You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”

    The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

    “What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

    “Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

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  • Im Monica

    A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through — don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”

    Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry — only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”

    When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this checkout stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”

    The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.

    The mother replied, “I’m Monica — my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

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  • Climb the Fucking Walls

    The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”

    The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked.

    The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again.”

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  • More Fun to Stand Up and Yell

    After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

    “That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

    “Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

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  • She Ate All the Bait

    A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

    “I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”

    “Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.

    The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”

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  • Pretend Im Not Home

    My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice.

    Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?”

    “That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not at home?”

    A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, “Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh… what should I feed Lily for lunch?”

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