Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • See Mom Its Just Gas

    Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when you start getting frustrated.

    My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

    While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said no. I kept thinking, oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.

    Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?” I just knew that he must have had an accident, cause the smell was getting worse. SOOO, I asked one more time, “MATT DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT?”

    This time with a little smirk on his face he jumped up and yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE MOM IT’S JUST GAS!!!!”

    While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified, but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.

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  • If Those Useless Cocksuckers at the Lumber Yard

    A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

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    The young family’s 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

    They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week.”

    “My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”

    “I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fucking wood,” replied the little girl.

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  • How Do You Like That

    This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine, and suddenly the nurse exclaims “I can see his head!”

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    And sure enough, the baby peeks out. But then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back in. After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks back in. A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees the father.

    Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his forehead and says, “How do you like that, mother fucker!??”

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  • Thanks for the Lift

    A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

    As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.

    “I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.

    “No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.”

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  • What Do You Think

    A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, “Is your mother or father at home?”

    The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, “What do you think?”

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  • What Fucking Trip

    Delta Airlines introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

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    Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

    The results were mixed. On the positive side, 96% of the surveys were returned — by far the highest in the history of such surveys.

    On the negative side, virtually all of the returned surveys contained only one short sentence: “What fucking trip???”

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  • So Fragrantly

    A local store was giving away free samples of perfume, limited to one per customer.

    I went in with my brother, who decided that if he sprayed the entire sample on himself in the store, then he was entitled to take another as he hadn’t technically left the store with the first. He repeated this seven or eight times until he reeked of roses.

    Somehow, he seemed not to find anything wrong with this behaviour. I, however, was appalled. I couldn’t believe my own brother would abuse the rules so fragrantly.

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  • Gabriels Trumpet

    When it was finally her turn to take care of the elderly Father Sands, the novice Jenny was taken aside by the Mother Superior.

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    “I must warn you,” the older woman said, “that although Father Sands is old in body, he is young at heart. It is important that when you give him his bath, you never look below his waist. Otherwise, he will become very excited.”

    With that, Jenny went to look after the aged priest. Later, sobbing, Jenny sought out the Mother Superior.

    “Forgive me,” the novice said, “but when I was bathing Father Sands, I — I looked down. As you said, he became aroused.”

    “And what happened?”

    “I — I lay with him. He said that I would surely go to heaven if I let him put his key to the gates of St. Peter in my lock.”

    “Why, that old bastard!” the Mother Superior fumed. “For years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s trumpet!”

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  • I Cant Do That

    Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. As he is being looked over, the doctor asks about his stuttering. After considerable effort, he was able to tell the doctor that it started shortly after reaching puberty. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and underwear, at which point he sees the patient has an exceptionally large member. The doctor picks it up and asks the man if he feels any better. The patient clearly replies with no stutter that he feels great. The doctor tells him the weight is putting stress on his diaphragm, making it hard to move air in and out of his lungs, causing the stutter. The doctor says he can correct the problem but will have to replace his manhood with a smaller but still functional penis. The guy agrees to have it done because he is tired of the looks and insults he gets from strangers.

    A couple days later he storms into the doctor’s office and, with perfect diction, asks the doctor to give back his old penis or his girlfriend will leave him.

    The doctor replies, “I-I-I-I’m s-s-s-so sorry. I-I-I c-c-ca-can-can’t do that.”

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  • It Fall Off by Itself

    A guy develops a really bad infection on his penis. Like, seriously bad. He goes to multiple doctors, even the expensive ones, and they all tell him the same thing: it has to be amputated or the infection could spread and kill him. Eventually, he gives up and accepts his fate. Surgery is scheduled.

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    Then his cousin hears about it and says, “Wait, before you do that, you should try this famous oriental doctor. People swear by him.” Out of desperation, the guy goes.

    He explains, “Doc, I’ve seen a lot of western doctors already. They all say it needs to be cut off before the infection spreads.”

    The doctor nods, tells him to take off his pants, and starts examining everything very carefully. Feeling, pressing, lifting… full inspection.

    After a while, the doctor smiles and says, “Good news!”

    The guy lights up. “Really? So you don’t need to cut it off?”

    The doctor waves his hand and says, “No, no. We are not like western doctors. They always cut, cut, cut… then charge, charge, charge!”

    The guy is relieved. “So I’m safe?”

    The doctor nods confidently. “Yes. No need to cut.”

    The guy almost cries from happiness. “Thank you, Doc! So what’s the treatment?”

    The doctor shrugs and says, “We wait two weeks.”

    The guy pauses. “And then?”

    The doctor smiles. “It fall off by itself.”

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