Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • So Fragrantly

    A local store was giving away free samples of perfume, limited to one per customer.

    I went in with my brother, who decided that if he sprayed the entire sample on himself in the store, then he was entitled to take another as he hadn’t technically left the store with the first. He repeated this seven or eight times until he reeked of roses.

    Somehow, he seemed not to find anything wrong with this behaviour. I, however, was appalled. I couldn’t believe my own brother would abuse the rules so fragrantly.

  • Gabriels Trumpet

    When it was finally her turn to take care of the elderly Father Sands, the novice Jenny was taken aside by the Mother Superior.

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    “I must warn you,” the older woman said, “that although Father Sands is old in body, he is young at heart. It is important that when you give him his bath, you never look below his waist. Otherwise, he will become very excited.”

    With that, Jenny went to look after the aged priest. Later, sobbing, Jenny sought out the Mother Superior.

    “Forgive me,” the novice said, “but when I was bathing Father Sands, I — I looked down. As you said, he became aroused.”

    “And what happened?”

    “I — I lay with him. He said that I would surely go to heaven if I let him put his key to the gates of St. Peter in my lock.”

    “Why, that old bastard!” the Mother Superior fumed. “For years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s trumpet!”

  • I Cant Do That

    Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. As he is being looked over, the doctor asks about his stuttering. After considerable effort, he was able to tell the doctor that it started shortly after reaching puberty. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and underwear, at which point he sees the patient has an exceptionally large member. The doctor picks it up and asks the man if he feels any better. The patient clearly replies with no stutter that he feels great. The doctor tells him the weight is putting stress on his diaphragm, making it hard to move air in and out of his lungs, causing the stutter. The doctor says he can correct the problem but will have to replace his manhood with a smaller but still functional penis. The guy agrees to have it done because he is tired of the looks and insults he gets from strangers.

    A couple days later he storms into the doctor’s office and, with perfect diction, asks the doctor to give back his old penis or his girlfriend will leave him.

    The doctor replies, “I-I-I-I’m s-s-s-so sorry. I-I-I c-c-ca-can-can’t do that.”

  • It Fall Off by Itself

    A guy develops a really bad infection on his penis. Like, seriously bad. He goes to multiple doctors, even the expensive ones, and they all tell him the same thing: it has to be amputated or the infection could spread and kill him. Eventually, he gives up and accepts his fate. Surgery is scheduled.

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    Then his cousin hears about it and says, “Wait, before you do that, you should try this famous oriental doctor. People swear by him.” Out of desperation, the guy goes.

    He explains, “Doc, I’ve seen a lot of western doctors already. They all say it needs to be cut off before the infection spreads.”

    The doctor nods, tells him to take off his pants, and starts examining everything very carefully. Feeling, pressing, lifting… full inspection.

    After a while, the doctor smiles and says, “Good news!”

    The guy lights up. “Really? So you don’t need to cut it off?”

    The doctor waves his hand and says, “No, no. We are not like western doctors. They always cut, cut, cut… then charge, charge, charge!”

    The guy is relieved. “So I’m safe?”

    The doctor nods confidently. “Yes. No need to cut.”

    The guy almost cries from happiness. “Thank you, Doc! So what’s the treatment?”

    The doctor shrugs and says, “We wait two weeks.”

    The guy pauses. “And then?”

    The doctor smiles. “It fall off by itself.”

  • Not Good Enough For Her Family

    On his honeymoon, a redneck is about to make love when his wife asks, “Wait, honey, I have to tell you something. I’m a virgin.”

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    “WHAT THE HELL?” the man shouts and punches her in the face, knocking her to the ground.

    He wraps her in a sheet, drags her up the stairs, and leads her out the door. He throws her in the back of his pickup truck and drives to her father’s house, where he throws her out in the yard.

    Then the man drives to his father’s house, goes inside and hides.

    The father sees his son and says, “What the hell are you doing here, boy? Shouldn’t you be with your new wife?”

    “Well, Pa,” the son says, “I was, but she told me she’s still a virgin.”

    “Oh, holy shit,” Dad says. “What did you do then?”

    “I punched her in the face and knocked her out, wrapped her in a sheet, dragged her down the stairs, threw her out the door, threw her in the back of my pickup, then drove to her dad’s house and dumped her on the lawn.”

    Dad starts laughing and, patting his son on the back, says, “Good job, son. If she’s not good enough for her family, then I say she’s not good enough for ours either.”

  • You Forgot Your Wheelchair

    A guy is having some drinks in a bar. He is having a good time so he keeps the beers coming. At some point he realizes it is getting late and the missus might get angry for him being drunk. So he wants to get off his bar stool to go home but falls flat on his face. He climbs back up, orders a coffee to sober up a little and waits 5 minutes before he tries to go home again. But, again he falls down. He must be pretty drunk. But he does not want to get in any more trouble so he crawls home. Silently undresses and slips into bed. The wife does not notice so he is happy he got away with this.

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    However, the next morning his wife starts yelling at him and is extremely pissed. “You were drinking again and got very drunk!” He asks why she thinks that.

    “The bartender called — you forgot your wheelchair!”

  • Not Pay Off My Student Debt

    A college student is walking on the beach when he finds a magic lamp with a genie inside.

    So the college student says, “I want to be the richest man in the world.”

    The genie snaps his fingers and responds, “Sure. You now have a billion dollars.”

    The college student frowns and says, “That’s great and all, but I said the richest man in the world, not pay off my student debt.”

  • I Never Got This Far Before

    One bright and cheery Saturday morning, a man hears a knock at his front door and answers it.

    The stranger says, “Hello. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some inspirational religious stories.”

    After a quick thought, the homeowner says, “Well, come on in.” He takes the stranger to the living room. “Please have a seat and let me bring you a cup of coffee.”

    Upon returning with a freshly brewed cup, he says to the stranger, “Now, what about these stories you have to enlighten me with?”

    The Jehovah’s Witness says, “Fuck if I know. I never got this far before.”

  • Im Just Chewing Some Gum

    Terribly overweight, Don LaJoie went to the doctor and begged him to be put on a diet. The doctor suggested several, but Lajoie rejected them all, insisting that he had no willpower.

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    Considering the problem, the doctor said, “There is one thing we can try. It’s an experimental diet in which the jaw is wired shut and nourishment is provided through the rectum. Since the rectal walls can only absorb small amounts of food at a time, you will lose weight quickly.”

    LaJoie agreed to try the diet. Three weeks later, he returned for his checkup and, much to the doctor’s delight, the formerly obese man was now quite slender. He also had a remarkable bounce to his step.

    The physician removed the wire from LaJoie’s jaw and the man sat down. Much to the doctor’s surprise, his patient continued to bounce up and down on the seat.

    “So how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

    “Marvelous! Never better.”

    “Then tell me, why are you bouncing up and down like that?”

    “Oh,” says LaJoie, “I’m just chewing some gum.”