Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
Prince Charming gets very drunk at the ball and ends up staggering out of the palace and into the Royal Vegetable Garden. When the Queen realizes that he’s missing, she sends all the palace guards out in search of her son.
If you ever make the grueling trek to speak to the wise old man who lives at the top of the mountain and he lets you ask one question of him, don’t make the mistake I did and blurt out, “How’s it hangin’?”
My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”
“Mom, I’m pregnant.”
“How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
“That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”
“Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”
My mother told my father to tell me about the birds and the bees. He took me to Coney Island, pointed to a couple making love under the boardwalk, and said, “Your mother wants you to know that the birds and the bees do the same thing.” –George Burns
A unit in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it. A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework.”
“Mom, I’m pregnant.”
“How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?”
“That I should take measures. That’s what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.”
“Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me. “One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”
Grandma, who was living with her daughter’s family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school. “What did you learn today?” she asked.
“Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff,” he replied matter-of-factly.
The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter.
Her daughter replied, “Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it’s all part of the curriculum.”
A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her grandson’s bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating.
“Sonny,” she said, “when you’re finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat.”
It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.
This guy walks into a bar carrying a shoe box, and proceeds to sit down and places the box on the bar. As the night rolls on and a beauty sits next to him he can’t help but notice her curiosity with the box. So after a while he asks her if she would like to receive the best tongue sex of her life.
Why are IT guys such dicks?
Last week I drove two hours to push the power button on a server that three separate people assured me was already on.
“Yeah I can paint your ceiling”
Michelangelo scoffs to himself
“Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dicks out tho”
