Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the West Virginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep, since that’s illegal an’ all. Anyway, the key witness was an old fella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheep was raised.
Sometimes at the office, my co-worker tells me I drink too much coffee and makes fun of me by saying I’m “shaking like a crack whore.” Good thing she doesn’t know what I do in my off-hours.
A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he’s shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them.
The kid says, “Hey, Pop, learned in college there’s an easy way to do everything.”
They go downtown and get some dynamite, they’re gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don’t see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. BaBooom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma.
Ploop!…she lands in the strawberries. They go running up to her, “Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?”
She says, “Yeah, I’m fine. Whoo! I’m certainly glad I didn’t let that one go in the kitchen!”
Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over grits and gravy the other night.
“Bubba,” Ma said, “you can’t get married yet. Why, you’re the baby of the family.”
“But Ma,” Bubba protested, “I had my 38th birthday jest last week.”
“We know that, Bubba,” Pa chimed in. “But your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school.”
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her.
Groggily, she raised her head and said, “One at a time, boys…..one at a time.”
There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eyeball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eyeball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money, he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guys to proposition some of the local prostitutes.
Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn’t bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, “Darling, I’ve got a big surprise for you,” at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
One night, a four-year-old heard some strange noises in his parents’ bedroom, so he gets out of bed to check it out. He enters their room and sees his father on top of his mother.
Pretty confused, he asks them what they were doing. Reckoning there was not a good time for the “flowers and the bees” story, Dad says, “Uh, we’re, like, making a little brother for you.”
The kid gets very upset and leaves the room sobbing, “I don’t wanna little brooootheeer!”
Next night, same thing, just that Mom was on top of Dad. “What now?”, wants the boy to know. Embarrassed, Mom says they were making a little sister for him.
“I don’t want no little siiiisteeeeer!”, whimpers the kid, while returning to his bed.
Third night he had the same sleeping problem. This time, in the parents’ bed, the father was behind the mother, so he just slaps the door very angry, crying, “I don’t want a doooog!”
