Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Checkout Girl’s Creative Sizing Solution

    This guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 mins in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms, not wanting to line up again he said to the girl “Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot”, to which she replied “Do you know what size you are?” and he said “no”.

    The girl then said “OK drop your pants and I’ll tell you what size you are”, the guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone “1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 Please”, he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way.

    Another male customer sees this and thinks he’d like to have this nice girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a similar course of events takes place only this time after having a feel she says “One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please”, the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.

    Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon reaching the checkout girl he says “I’d like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot” and the girl replies “Do you know what size you are?” and he says “Nope” and then she asks him to drop his trousers and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone “Mop and Bucket to aisle 3 please!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Island Duty Roster Beats Romantic Getaway

    A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.

    The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

    They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

    Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!”

    They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

    Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Dad’s Terrible Timing With Life’s Harsh Truths

    Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

    “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.

    Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

    “Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Virgin Birth Claims Destroyed by Medical Reality

    A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Your daughter is pregnant.”

    The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex before marriage.

    The doctor faced the window and silently looked out to the horizon.

    The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

    “Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again and confirm this very rare immaculate conception.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Caught in the Rain, Caught in Bed

    A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband’s home early!”

    The boyfriend looked out the window and said, “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining like hell out there!”

    She said, “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!”

    So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.

    One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”

    He answered, while gasping for air, “Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

    The other runner then asked the nude man, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”

    The nude man answered breathlessly, “Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

    The runner then asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

    He replied, “Only if it’s raining.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Toilet-Training Transferability

    As I watched my two-year-old drag his naked bottom across the carpet, I realized that perhaps I overestimated the transferability of the toilet-training skills I had initially honed with our puppies.

  • Seven-Year-Old’s Budget Marriage Proposal Plan

    A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, “Me and Janie is getting married.”

    “Oh?” says the mother. “And how old is Janie?”

    “Five,” replies the boy.

    “And where will you live?” asks the mother.

    “Well,” says the boy, “Janie’s room is bigger than my room, so we’ll live in her room.”

    “How about expenses?” asks the father. “What are you going to do for money?”

    “I get a dollar a week in allowance,” says the lad, “and Janie gets seventy five cents. If we put them together we’ll be okay.”

    “I see,” says the father. “But what are you going to do if you have children?”

    “Well,” says the boy, “we’ve been lucky so far.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Settling Out of Court on the Golf Course

    Two queers were enjoying a pleasant round of golf when a foursome of Hell’s Angels began hitting into them from behind. One queer finally becomes angry and turns to his partner,”If those big bad boys hit into us one more time, Seymour, you fall down and act like the ball hit you very very hard in the head. We’ll just sue those naughty boys.”

    Sure enough, next hole they drove the ball directly into the gay twosome. “Now, Seymour, now! Fall down. Well show them…”

    The Angels walk up to the standing and lying queer and say, “What the hell’s going on here?”

    “You just hurt my friend Seymour really bad, and we’re going to get a lawyer and sue you….how do you like that?”

    The Angel replies, “Oh Blow Me!”

    The queer exclaims, “Seymour, Seymour, get up! They want to settle out of court!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • When Hunger Beats Romance Every Single Time

    I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend’s wife came out to feed them.

    The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to myself, “Damn ! I hope I never get that hungry.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Long Distance Love’s Texting Troubles

    Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

    As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.

    He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

    So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.”

    Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

    He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I’m getting pretty desperate!” and mailed the picture to her parents.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail