Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend. She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.
“Are you afraid he’ll spread lies about you?” I asked.
“I don’t mind the lies,” she answered. “But if he ever tells the truth, I’ll break his neck.”
The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool. Billy walks on stage and asks him, “Can you help me with my hearing?”
The Pope says, “Yes,” puts his hands on Billy’s ears, and prays. He removes his hands and asks, “How is your hearing now?”
Billy says, “I don’t know, it’s not until next Wednesday.”
John visits his friend David, a fellow businessman, and clearly impressed asks him, “David, how do you keep this place running so smooth?”
“Easy,” he said. “I surround myself with people who actually have a brain. Watch.” He calls his Chief Financial Officer and asks, “He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”
The CFO responds almost immediately: “That’s me.”
John is floored. He flies home, calls his own CFO, and says, “Mike, I’ve got a test for you. He’s your father’s son, but he’s not your brother. Who is he?”
The CFO stammers for twenty minutes before asking for 24 hours to “research” it. He panics and calls Warren Buffet. “Sir, quick question: Your father’s son, but not your brother. Who is it?”
Buffet sighs. “It’s me, Mike.”
Mike runs to his boss, all proud. “Sir! I have the answer! It’s Warren Buffet!”
John slams his desk. “No, you idiot! It’s David’s finance guy!”
Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!”
“How did you meet this fellow?” He asked, very concerned.
She said, “Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car.”
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself!”
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of ‘Woman’?”
God says, “Ahhh, yes.”
“Well,” says Davidson, “You have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There’s too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust
“Hmmm…..” replies God, “hold on”
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
“It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, “but according to My Computer, more guys are riding my invention than yours!”
As an instructor in driver education at Unionville-Sebewaing Area High School in Michigan, I’ve learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car?”
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
“Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”
“That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
The lowlights:
“… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”
“She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”
“A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”
“… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”
“… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”
“Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”
“Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”
“When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”
“At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”
“… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”
“Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”
“While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”
“During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”
“A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ‘Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”
“His attaché case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”
“Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”
“… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”
“Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his new boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss excuses him.
The man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. “I’m sick.” Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man in to talk on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. “What gives?” asks the boss. “I can see you’re a hard worker, but you’ve only been here three weeks and you’ve called in sick every Monday.”
The man says, “Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another, and we end up having sex all day long.”
“Your sister!” says the boss. “That’s disgusting.”
The man says, “I told you I was sick.”
