Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Blind Date’s Unusual Amusement Park Obsession

    A young man took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked.

    “I wanna get weighed,” she said.

    So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

    “One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

    “I wanna get weighed,” she said.

    I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

    “Wousy,” said the girl.

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  • Russian Condom Crisis Gets American Solution

    Gorbachev called Clinton with an emergency: “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried. “My people’s favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”

    “Mikhael, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President.

    “I do need your help,” said Gorbachev. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”

    “Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Clinton.

    “Oh, and one more small favor, please?”

    “Yes?” “Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?”

    “No problem,” replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan.

    “I need a favor, you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.”

    “Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.

    “Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”

    “Easily done. Anything else?”

    “Yeah,” said the President, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.”

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  • Professor Who Changed My Whole Life

    In college, I took a class from a professor who changed my whole life. I can’t really remember what his name was, or what the class was, or even which college it was, but I found that if you sit behind a really tall guy and kind of slouch down in your chair you can drink Scotch right from the bottle and not get caught.

  • Drunk Guy’s Mystery Discovery at the Lab

    A guy went out one night and got pretty wasted at a local bar. He woke up with a terrible hangover and went to take a piss and some Alka-Seltzer when he looked down and saw that he had a red and a brown crusty substance around his dick.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He scraped off a little of each into a container and sent it to a lab for identification. When he went to see the lab technician, the tech said he had some good news and some bad… first of all, the red substance was ordinary lipstick but I’m afraid the brown substance was…. chewing tobacco!

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  • Quiz Show Victory Cut Short by Time

    Jane was a first time contestant on the $465,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show’s host could ask her the big question.

    Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. “I’ve just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I’m not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.”

    “Relax, honey,” her husband, Bubba, reassured her, “It will all be OK.”

    Ten minutes after they arrived home, Bubba grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

    “Where are you going?” Jane asked.

    “I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.” He replied.

    Jane waited impatiently for Bubba’s return. After an agonising 3 hour absence, Bubba returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.

    “Honey, I managed to get tomorrow’s question and answer!”

    “What is it?” she cried excitedly.

    “OK. The question is ‘What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?’ And the answer is ‘The head, the heart, and the penis.’”

    Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Bubba, who was asking her the quiz show question.

    “The head, the heart, and the penis,” Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

    And Bubba asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

    “Jane, for $465,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.”

    “Hmm, uhm, the head?” she said nervously.

    “Very good. Six seconds.”

    “Eh, uh, the heart?”

    “Very good! Four seconds.”

    “I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…”

    “That’s close enough,” said the game show host, “CONGRATULATIONS!!”

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  • John’s Noisy Bedsprings Keep Fred Awake Nightly

    It happened that when Fred and John went to College they got rooms in different levels of the building but right on top of each other. John’s room was above Fred’s room and John was always good with the woman.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    Every night since school started Fred would hear up above his room, “Claclopp! Claclopp!! Calaclopp!!!, Spring! Zippp! Ahhhaaaa!”

    It went on every night:…”Claclopp! Claclopp!! Calaclopp!!!, Spring! Zipp! Ahhhaaa!”

    Now Fred wasn’t a snoop and normally didn’t interfere on John’s love life or even ask of what went on every night. But one night it was different. Instead of the strange “Claclopp! Claclopp!!, Spring! Zippp! Ahhhaaaa!” He heard “Claclopp! Claclopp!!, Spring! Zippp! YEEeeOOWWWwwwwwweeeeeee!!!”.

    Fred was confused by this….not to mention scared out of his mind by the scream. So he took a step at getting intimate with his friend John. “Hey John,” he said that morning. “I really hate to pry but every night I hear this ‘Claclopp, Claclopp, Calaclopp, spring, zip, Ahhaaa. But last night I was frightened by a ‘Claclopp!!, Claclopp!!, Calaclopp!!!, Spring, Zippp, YEEeeOOWWWwwwwwweeeeeee!!!’ Do you mind explaining this?”

    “Well,” said John. “The Claclopp!, Claclopp!!, Claclopp!! was me running towards the bed. The Spring!! was me leaping in the air. The Zippp! was me zipping down my pants in mid air. And the AAhhhaaaa!! Was me settling my manhood in my girlfriend.”

    “So what was last night?” Fred asked.

    “Well,” he hesitated. “The Claclopp!, Claclopp!!, Claclopp!!! was me running. The Spring! was me leaping in the air. The Zippp was me gracefully zipping my pants down in the air. And the YEEeeOOWWWwwwwweeeeee!!!! was me landing my nuts on the bedpost.”

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  • Ajax Super Strong

    Ajax Super Strong

    I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla

  • Corporate Incompetence: Millions for Failure

    1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

    AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

    2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

    Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting ”Please come out and give yourself up.”

    3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

    An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

    4. THE GETAWAY!

    A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

    5. DID I SAY THAT???

    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ”Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, ”That’s not what I said!”

    6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

    A man spoke frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. ”No!”, the man shouted, ”This is her husband!”.

    7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

    In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

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  • Three Prisoners Make Animal Sounds

    Three men escape from prison. The first tells the others that the security will soon be looking for them.

    So, he suggests that each one of them climb a tree, and when the guards come, to make animal sounds and hopefully they will move on. All agree, and they all climb into different trees and try to hide.

    A while later, security guards arrive and began searching. They thought they saw something in the first man’s tree, so they shine their flashlight into the branches and say “Anyone UP there?” “Tweet, Tweet” comes from the tree, so one of the guards says “Oh, it’s only a bird!, move on.” The guards then look into another tree and says “Anyone UP there?” and the second man replies

    “Whhoo, Whhoo”. “Ah! It’s only an owl!, lets go!” The guards proceed to look at the next tree, and ask “I wonder if one of the prisoners are up there?”

    Shining the flashlight, they listened intently…

    “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

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  • Darwin Award Winners at Metallica Concert

    Darwin Strikes Again

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in a pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.

    According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later.

    They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife.

    The “soft” bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain.

    Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence.

    This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.

    “So that’s how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be” said Commissioner Appleton.

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