Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Sperm Count

    An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave him a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.” The next day, the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before.

    The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,

    “Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left — nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too — first with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees — but still nothing.”

    The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”

    The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open!”

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  • Everything Is Big in Texas

    A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

    “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

    The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are big!”

    The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

    After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.

    The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!”

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  • Law School

    It turns out law school is a lot like elementary school. They assign you a locker, you meet new friends, and pulling the cute redhead’s pigtails still isn’t as good an idea as you think it is.

  • A lot of loud swearing sounds

    I don’t know about trees, but when I was alone in the forest and I fell down, I made a lot of loud swearing sounds.

  • It’s Usually the Mother, Not the Father

    My wife was in labor when the nurse said it was time to push.

    She gave it everything she had until a fart, which from the sound and stench had obviously followed through, escaped.

    She was mortified.

    “Don’t worry,” I said, patting her head. “I’ve heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn’t that right, nurse?”

    “Yes,” said the nurse, gagging, “but it’s usually the mother, not the father!”

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  • Rose, What Was the Name of the Restaurant?

    Two older gentlemen are chatting after dinner while their wives are in the kitchen.

    “We had a lovely meal at that new restaurant in town the other night,” said one to the other.

    “That’s nice,” said his friend. “What was the name of the restaurant?”

    “Oh, what’s the name of the lovely scented flower that grows on a thorny plant?”

    “Rose?” replied the friend.

    “That’s it.” Then, turning toward the kitchen, the gentleman called out, “Rose, what was the name of the restaurant the other night?”

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  • The Gynaecologist

    A beautiful, sassy lady got into a compartment where three men were seated. They were staring at her. She said if they gave one dollar each, she would show her legs.

    Immediately, three dollars fell onto her lap.

    She lifted her dress to her knees. Indeed, the legs were nice.

    Then she said, “Five dollars each, I’ll show my thighs.” Came fifteen dollars, and she lifted her dress high up till her panties.

    Then the bomb came.

    “Thirty dollars each, I will show where my gynaecologist operated on me.”

    Salivating, the three men gave the money.

    A station was nearing and the train slowed down. She showed the hospital next to the station — “This is where my gynaecologist operated on me” — and got off the train.

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  • Ugh! Again?!

    Ugh! Again?!

    Ugh! Again?!
  • Robbers Drew on the Walls

    Robbers Drew on the Walls

    Robbers Drew on the Walls
  • Toddlers Are Cold-Blooded

    Toddlers Are Cold-Blooded

    Toddlers Are Cold-Blooded