Joke Type: comparative

Comparative jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Small World on the Golf Course

    Two guys are flying along the golf course, trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but they run into two terrible lady golfers on the 13th hole, who are playing painfully slow!

    The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?”

    The second guy walks ahead, and gets about 50 yards from the terrible twosome, before quickly turning and coming back.

    The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”

    The second guy says, “You’re not gonna believe this, but the woman in the pink is my wife, and the one in yellow is my mistress.”

    The first guy says, “Wow, that’s not good. Let me give it a try.”

    So the first guy gets about halfway there, stops in his tracks, turns and comes back, too.

    The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”

    The first guy says, “It’s a small world!”

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  • Results in Heaven

    A cab driver reaches the pearly gates.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

    Next in line is a preacher.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

    The preacher is shocked and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”

    St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:

    “This is Heaven, and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

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  • Baptists and Catholics at a Party

    Do you know how to keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer at a party?
    Invite two Baptists.

    Do you know how to stop a Catholic from drinking all your beer at a party?
    Neither do I.

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  • The Lesser of Two Evils

    My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his “better half.”

    I returned the courtesy and introduced my wife as the “lesser of two evils.”

  • Number Than Numb

    English puns make me feel numb but math puns make me feel number.

  • Jesus Walked Everywhere

    A young man asks his religious father for some money to buy a car…

    The father says, “Not until you cut your hair and shave that beard.”

    The son replies, “But Jesus had long hair and a beard.”

    “That’s true, son,” says the father, “but Jesus also walked everywhere he went.”

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  • A Lot Has Changed For The We Blessed

    A Lot Has Changed For The We Blessed

  • Tickets Please

    Three retired NASA engineers and three IRS accountants are taking an Amtrak train to a conference in Chicago.

    At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and notice the three engineers buying only one.

    “How are three grown men going to ride on one ticket?” one accountant asks.

    “Just watch,” one of the engineers says with a grin.

    They board the train. The accountants sit in their seats while the engineers squeeze into a restroom and lock the door.

    Soon the conductor walks through the carriage calling, “Tickets, please!” He knocks on the restroom door. The door cracks open and a single hand sticks out holding one ticket. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The accountants nod at each other, impressed.

    After the conference, the accountants decide to try the same trick on the way home. This time they proudly buy just one ticket.

    To their surprise, the engineers don’t buy any at all.

    “How are you riding without a ticket?” an accountant whispers.

    “Just watch,” the engineer replies.

    On the train ride back, the accountants pile into one restroom and the engineers slip into another.

    The train pulls out of the station. A few minutes later, one of the engineers quietly steps out of his restroom. He walks over to the accountants’ door and knocks.

    In his best official voice he says, “Tickets, please.”

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  • It Depends on Whos in the Will

    Why do baby diapers have names like “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers,” while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”?

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

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