What does a 9-volt battery and an asshole have in common?
If you lick it, and nothing happens, it’s probably dead.
Joke Type: crude humor
Crude humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Bank Robbery and the Triplets
So a lady walks into a bank, and right when she gets into the bank it gets held up, and she gets shot three times in the stomach, and she’s pregnant, so that’s no good.
She’s rushed to the hospital and they fix her up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, “Oh! You’re going to have triplets. Don’t worry, they’ll be just fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don’t worry though, the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.”
As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, “Mommy, a very weird thing just happened to me. I was going to the bathroom and a bullet dropped into the toilet.” The woman comforts her and tells her what happened at the bank.
A couple weeks later, the other daughter comes up and goes, “Mom, I was in the bathroom and I heard a ping and there was a bullet there.”
The mother goes, “Honey, don’t worry,” and tells her about the bank.
A month later the son comes in and says, “Mommy, I’ve done a very bad thing!”
“You passed a bullet into the toilet, didn’t you?”
“No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”
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The Farmer’s New Cock
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock screws all 150 hens again.
The next day it’s fucking the ducks and geese too. Later he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead with vultures circling overhead.
The farmer says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!” The cock opens one eye, points up, and says, “Shhhhhh. They’re about to land!!”
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The Boss and the Thousand Dollars
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have sex with you. I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor. By the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought about it for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend replied, “Go for it, but ask him for $2,000 instead. Pick up the money as fast as you can—he won’t even have time to undress himself.”
So she agreed.
Half an hour later, the boyfriend called her back.
“What happened?” he asked.
She replied, “That bastard used coins… I’m still picking them up, and he’s still going!”
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The Police Dog Fetch
Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs.
One says to the other, “I left my panties at the police station.”
The other says, “Let the dog have a whiff of your minge and he’ll go and fetch them.”
Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector’s fingers.
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Iron This
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and yells, “If I’m about to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A drunk fellow stands up, removes his shirt and says, “HERE, FUCKIN’ IRON THIS!”
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The Gorilla and the Lion at the Safari Camp
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “Oh my gosh! It’s in the paper already?”
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Oral Sex Aint Much Fun
A hillbilly couple is lying in bed.
Otis turns to his wife and says, “Fuck you.”
A minute goes by and then Rita Mae turns to Otis and says, “Fuck you.”
Another couple of minutes pass and Otis says, “Fuck you” again to his wife.
This back and forth goes on for a bit longer when Otis finally turns to his wife and says, “You know, oral sex ain’t much fun.”
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The Frat Bro and the Nuns
Two frat bros are walking along when they see a group of nuns walking up the opposite side of the street.
After a little bit of a ruckus, one of the young men runs across the road and approaches the nuns.
“Excuse me, are you the head nun?” he asks the lead nun sheepishly.
“Yes, my son. I am the Mother Superior of the convent. What can I do for you?” she replies with a curious grin.
“Well ma’am, I have a strange question. But, umm, are any of your nuns midgets?” he spits out. Seeing her shocked face, he continues. “You know, maybe a dwarf, pygmy, something like that?”
“My son,” she calmly states, “we would welcome anyone into our convent, regardless of stature. But no, we currently have no sisters that are little people.”
And with that the frat bro turns to his buddy, who is still on the other side of the road, and hollers, “Hey Gary, I told you ya fucked a penguin last night!”
