Joke Type: dark humor

Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Truth About Santa Claus

    I think, deep down inside, little children want to be told the truth about Santa Claus. Why else would they stand in line for an hour just to sit on my lap?

  • Devil Chef Celery

    Devil Chef Celery

    For our patrons!

    A Devil Chef Health Tip!

    Enjoy Celery

    Nature’s Toothbrush For Your Colon!

    Fiber Rich!

    Packed with Vitamins!

    Ribbed for Xtra Pleasure!

    Ooh LaLa!

  • Newspaper Bird Prank Goes Horribly Wrong

    Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?”

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    “A bird,” the guy replied.

    The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, “I don’t know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”

    Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her “What did you do to that naked fellow?”

    After a little pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.”

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  • Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti

    I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. And then no hands. And then no head. And then I ate his tasty liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

  • Future Racecar Driver

    The way my four-year-old really gets into steering when we’re in the car makes me think he might grow up to be a professional racecar driver. And to think I originally just needed him to sit in my lap and take the wheel while I reached back for another beer.

  • Misunderstood Cable Request Goes Wrong

    I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another… I said, “Let’s go back to my place.”

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    She said, “Oh, do you have cable?”

    I said, “No… But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine…”

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  • Selling My Nudes

    Selling My Nudes

    Times are tough so once again I will be selling my nudes.

    $5 to get one

    $25 not to get one

  • Unspeakable Horror Sign

    Unspeakable Horror Sign

    What unspeakable horror made this sign necessary?

    YES / NO

  • Glass Houses

    Remember: People who live in glass houses can see you masturbating in their bushes.

  • Folgers Crystals for the Blood Bank

    I’ve been saving up all my picked-off scabs in little bags, just in case the local blood bank needs some Folgers crystals.