Joke Type: dark humor

Dark humor jokes, grim punchlines, and comedy from the questionable end of the emotional buffet from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Double or Nothing

    A certain country was ruled by a dictator who was very paranoid. He rarely appeared in public; he preferred to send one of his many doubles.

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    One day, an enemy attacks the palace. The survival of the dictator is in question. The doubles await news, trembling in fear. If the dictator dies, they would be no longer useful, and with all the secrets they know, the new regime surely wouldn’t let them live.

    Finally, they are called into a conference room. One of the dictator’s chief advisors enters.

    “My dear doubles!” he says. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that our beloved leader has survived the dastardly attack, and so, your services are still very much required.”

    The doubles collectively sigh with relief.

    Then a big man with an axe enters the room.

    “Now for the bad news,” continues the advisor. “He lost an arm…”

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  • Hit the Ball, Drag Walter

    A man goes golfing every Sunday morning and is usually home in time for lunch. Until one Sunday when his wife found herself waiting well past noon with no sign of her elderly husband. She wrapped up his lunch and put it in the fridge to stay fresh, busying herself with chores and growing more anxious as the afternoon wore on.

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    Finally, he pulled into the driveway and she ran out to meet him. “Where have you been?” she asked.

    “Well, Walter had a heart attack on the third hole,” he replied. “Just keeled over and died right there on the spot!”

    “Oh no, that’s terrible!” the wife exclaimed.

    “Yeah, so for the whole rest of the day it was ‘hit the ball, drag Walter. Hit the ball, drag Walter…’”

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  • Magic Relationship

    Wife wanted me to put the magic back into our relationship.

    But I don’t think sawing her in half was what she was thinking.

  • Skinhead? It’s Leukemia

    Skinhead? It’s Leukemia

    YOU’RE A SKINHEAD YOU BITCH

    NO DAD, IT’S LEUKEMIA

    LEUK-WHAT? STOP SPEAKING GERMAN YOU FUCKING NAZI

  • The Wizard’s Choice

    When I was a kid, a wizard gave me a choice — to have a giant dick, or perfect memory.

    I forgot which one I picked.

  • One Leg

    What has one leg and licks balls?

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    My amputee girlfriend.

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  • Jesus vs. a Frame of Jesus

    What’s the difference between Jesus and a frame of Jesus?

    You can hang the frame with only one nail.

  • Stacy Took My Virginity

    Stacy Took My Virginity

    [GUY]-“Stacy took my virginity last night!”

    [FRIEND]-“Isn’t Stacy mentally retarded?”

    [GUY]-“i wanted my first time to be special.”

  • Emma’s Date With Big Bird

    Emma’s Date With Big Bird

    And just like that, Emma’s date with Big Bird was over.

  • God Creating Mushrooms

    God Creating Mushrooms

    Das Skoogeth @Skoogeth

    [god creating mushrooms]

    god: some go on pizzas

    angel: ooo tasty

    god: some make you trip balls

    angel: um

    god: and some just fucking kill you

    angel: you ok buddy?