A friend of mine had a penis extension.
And now his house looks stupid.
Joke Type: dirty humor
Dirty humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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An Ad for a Husband
A woman places an ad for a husband: Must not lay a hand to me, must not run around on me, and must be good in bed.
A couple of days later the doorbell rings and she answers the door.
Sitting on her porch is a man in a wheelchair with no arms nor legs.
She says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood the ad.”
The man asks, “Why? I have no arms, so I won’t lay a hand to you, and I have no legs, so I won’t run around on you.”
The woman replies, “But the ad also said you had to be good in bed.”
The man says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
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The Height of a Flagpole
Two blondes are trying to estimate the height of a flagpole.
A builder walks past and they explain their problem. He says, “That’s simple, ladies, watch this.”
He unbolts it, lies it flat and measures it. One blonde says to the other blonde, “What a DICK, need to know the height not the fkn length.”
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Me buying condoms
*Me buying condoms*
Pharmacist: Do you need a bag?
Me: No thanks, she’s beautiful
Pharmacist:
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A Trained Crocodile
A circus claims to have a truly unique attraction: a trained crocodile.
The crocodile shows some truly astonishing skills like jumping through a burning hoop, riding a bicycle, and even smoking a pipe.
At the end of the show, the crocodile’s trainer instructs the orchestra to play a dramatic flourish as he unzips his pants and places his member into the crocodile’s open mouth. The crocodile then gently closes its mouth until the trainer gives it a good, solid whack between the eyes, upon which the crocodile lets go of his member without as much as a scratch. The audience erupts in applause until the trainer gestures for them to be quiet.
“Any gentleman within the audience who is willing to repeat this, I will give them $1,000 in cash!” he proclaims. Nobody answers, so he ups the ante to $2,000, then $3,000 and even $4,000 until, when he calls out: “Alright, then, $5,000!” a man in the audience stands up.
“I’ll do it! But on one condition!”
“And what would that be?” asks the trainer.
“Don’t hit me between the eyes like that.”
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The Last Body of the Day
A mortician is working on the last body of the day before he’s going to call it quits. He is amazed by the size of this man’s penis.
He says to himself, “Well, Mr. Shecky Goldstein, you clearly have the largest penis I have ever seen. I’m going to have to take a photo of this to show to my wife.”
He takes the photo, finishes up for the day, and goes home. When he sees his wife, he immediately takes out his phone and shows her the photo of the penis.
She looks aghast, then cries out, “Oh my God, Shecky Goldstein is dead!”
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The Horse, the Pig, and the Chicken
A horse, a pig, and a chicken were friends.
One day they were playing on the farm when the horse suddenly fell into a deep ditch. The pig and the chicken panicked and started crying for help. The horse called out to them from the ditch and said, “Run to the shed where the farmer keeps his tractor. Get a rope, tie one end to the tractor and throw the other end to me. Then have the farmhand drive the tractor and pull me up.”
The chicken and the pig did exactly that but weren’t sure if the tractor would work. But it was a powerful Mercedes tractor and in no time the horse was rescued from the ditch.
A few days later the three of them were playing on the farm again when the chicken fell into the same ditch. The pig panicked and told the horse, “Come on, let’s get the tractor and the rope, quick!”
The horse calmly said, “Wait, leave this to me.” He went over to the ditch, slowly lowered his dick and asked the chicken to grab on to it. As the terrified chicken grabbed his dick the horse carefully pulled her up.
“Wow, that was amazing,” said the pig. “How did you even think of that?”
“Well,” the horse replied, “when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.”
