Joke Type: dirty humor

Dirty humor jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Dirty Medical Humor: Adult Jokes Collection

    Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
    A: It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

    Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A: A bingo machine.

    Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
    A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…

    Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
    A: They have shaky hands!

    Q: What do you call a female midget who’s nice and gives head?
    A: Short, sweet, and to the point!

    Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
    A: An armadildo.

    Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
    A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

    Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t?
    A: Come in eight flavors.

    Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
    A: “Ward, weren’t you a little hard on the Beaver last night?”

    Q: Do you know why it’s called sex?
    A: Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh…Ahhhhhh….AIIEEEEEEE!!!

    Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
    A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)

    Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
    A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

    Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
    A: 8 hours, 59 minutes – who cares what she wants!

    Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
    A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

    Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
    A: In case you miss.

  • Fresh Liver Fixes Everything Until It Ends Up in the Sink

    It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.

    So when a guy from the office whom she really liked asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a kilo of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date and slides that kilo of liver into her box, hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.

    Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each other’s arms.

    Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, “Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I’m doomed to end up an old maid.”

    She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table…..

    “Dear Annie,

    Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL!

    Sorry I had to leave so early, but I’ll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON!

    Love You,
    Bill

    (P.S. Your cunt’s in the sink)”

  • Dirty Riddles and Cheeky One-Liners

    How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
    Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

    What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
    “How come?”

    What’s the definition of a teenager?
    God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

    Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
    They’ll never see you coming.

    What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
    S&M;&M.;

    What does Kodak film have in common with a condom?
    They both capture that special moment.

    Define Transvestite:
    A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

    Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
    The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

    What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
    A scrotum pole!

    What’s the ultimate in rejection?
    When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

    Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
    There’d be too many thank you notes to write.

    What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
    Two Mennonite!

    Why is sex like a game of bridge?
    If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

    Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
    Is it in?

    What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A bingo machine.

    What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
    One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

  • She Farted and Flew Out the Window

    Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blowup” dolls instead.

    She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

    The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned… how was it for you?”

    The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.”

    The first man asked, “How’s that?”

    “Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast… she farted and flew out the window!”

  • Pickup Lines That Will Get You Rejected

    70 pickup lines

    1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

    2. Do you want to see something swell?

    3. Hey babe…do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

    4. Drop ’em!

    5. What do you like for breakfast?

    6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?

    7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?

    8. Say, did we go to different schools together?

    9. Why don’t you come over here, sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?

    10. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: “Smile if you want to sleep with me.” And watch them try to hold back their laugh.

    11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

    12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

    13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?

    14. Hey baby, let’s go make some babies.

    15. At the office copy machine. “Reproducing eh?” “Can I help?”

    16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

    17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

    18. Hey babe…can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

    19. Hey babe…can you suck start a Harley?

    20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.”

    21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What’s wrong, don’t you like pizza?

    22. A woman asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You: “Do you have the energy?”

    23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?

    24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)

    25. Bond. James Bond.

    26. Do you spit or swallow?

    27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what’s one more?

    28. Your place or mine?

    29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

    30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.

    31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

    32. Your face or MINE!?

    33. “Are you ready to go home yet?”

    34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

    35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

    36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?

    37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.

    38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.

    39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.

    40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

    41. I’m on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

    42. I’d look good on you.

    43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

    44. I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.

    45. I would kill or die to make love to you.

    46. Sex is a killer…want to die happy?

    47. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.

    48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

    49. HI! Can I buy you a car?

    50. NOW, BITCH!

    51. Fancy a fuck?

    52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.

    53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?

    54. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

    55. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen?

    56. I’m Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

    57. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

    58. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: “I want to see if you were really made in heaven.”

    59. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

    60. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

    61. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?…(Yes)…From the inside?

    62. Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.

    63. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?

    64. Hi, how are you?

    65. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) ‘Cause I could see myself in your pants.

    66. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

    67. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?

    68. I am a magical being, take off your bra.

    69. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?

    70. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.

    71. Hold out two fingers and say: “Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?” (I don’t know.) “‘Cause they’re mine sweetheart.”

  • Nine Martini Nightcap

    A tired-looking gentleman walks up to a bar and asks the bartender quite explicitly for nine double martinis, extra dry, hold the olives, and to serve them all at once, right away. The bartender gives the man a curious look, but to no effect, and proceeds to mix and pour the man’s request. The gentleman picks up the first and turns it up quickly before the bartender can finish pouring even the second one, and proceeds to drink each one in turn.

    Finally, the bartender has to ask. “Why all the drinks?”

    “Celebrating!”

    “Oh? What’s the occasion?”

    “My first blowjob.”

    “Well, congratulations. Let me give you one on the house to make it an even ten.”

    “No thanks. If this doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, another one won’t help any.”

  • Another 67 of Them

    My girlfriend asked to do a 69.

    I said, “What’s that?” She said, “Lie down and I’ll show you,” so she went to squat over my face.

    As she did, she farted and jumped up and said, “Sorry,” and then tried again. She then farted a second time.

    With that, I jumped up and said, “I’m fucked. I’m not hanging around for another sixty-seven of them.”

  • Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener. That is what I’d truly

    Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener. That is what I’d truly like to be. ‘Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener, Jilly G. would be deep-throating me.

  • A tip for making any Dr. Seuss book tolerable for adults: Try to

    A tip for making any Dr. Seuss book tolerable for adults: Try to find as many pictures of genitalia in the illustrations as you can.

  • (Steve R. Clancy) There once was a chick from Vancouver, Who

    (Steve R. Clancy) There once was a chick from Vancouver, Who sucked cock like she was a Hoover. Till the day she got ticked And bit off a dick, Then swallowed it like an hors d’oeuvre.