Gets em every time
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Joke Type: observational
Observational jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Human Anus Can Stretch Up to 7 Inches – You Can Take Almost Two Full Raccoons Up Your Ass
☀MissMorningstar☀ @KeeperOfDankniz
The human anus can stretch up to 7 inches before taking damage. A raccoon can squeeze into holes as tight as 4 inches, Meaning you can take almost two full raccoons up your ass. Believe in yourself.
10:27 PM · 10 Oct 19 · Twitter for Android
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Going to the Mountain to Destroy a Ring – Brokeback Mountain / Lord of the Rings
Going to the mountain to destroy a ring
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
THE LORD OF THE RINGS
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The Top 17 Tweets From President Trump
17. Winning! Winners win. And I’m a winner who wins, believe me. #ohfucknowwhatdoido
16. My huuuge hands typing this from the Oval Office! #HowYouLikeMeNowHillary
15. Nobody told me the White House was such a dump. Not a single gold toilet. Sad. #3rdWorld
14. Why do they call it the White House when the kitchen is full of Hispanics? #TrumpHouse
13. @SCOTUS You’re Fired! #TreatGovernmentLikeBusiness
12. #100days: abolish Obamacare, export all illegal immigrants, mount Paul Ryan’s balls in the Oval Office #sweetrevenge
11. @PutinRF_Eng Lincoln bedroom stocked with #Stoli; waiting for your arrival #USARUS
10. White House? Not on my watch. 2,600 gallons of gold gilt paint on the way! #Glitterpalooza #BlingHouse
9. Note to self: thank Kellyanne Conway, notify her she won’t be paid.
8. Just sold Washington Monument to China #suckers #shippingisextra
7. Got the nuclear codes, so excited: 398236. #watchoutisis #makeamericaglowagain
6. Melania looks stunning lying naked on the Oval Office’s new polar bear-skin rug, trust me. #MakingAmericaBoneAgain #Bigly
5. WTF? Canada’s Prime Minister keeps calling, saying USA needs to pay for his wall.
4. WH needs new housekeepers. @AliciaMachado, job is yours if you can drop 20 lbs!
3. Just sent my homey @Comey a thank you gift: orange jumpsuit for @Hillary. #orangeisthenewpantsuit
2. That Lincoln bedroom is SO uncomfortable. No wonder he shot himself. #HoleInTheHead #LumpyMattress
1. First official act: Lady Liberty loses the burka, shows some leg, gets bigger tits #StatueOfLame #6atBest
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The Top 15 Signs You’ve Chosen a Bad Culinary School
15. They promise that 100% of their graduates will be ‘sertified sheffs.’
14. ‘Today’s pastry is called Bronuts, and you will need some assistance from a male student.’
13. There’s a Department of Drive-Thru Studies.
12. Every session ends the same: ‘Defrost and microwave to taste.’
11. Week 1: Heimlich maneuver.
10. There’s an angry British man swearing a lot, but mostly about immigrants.
9. ‘Welcome to: Sculpting with Spam: The Forgotten Dessert Meat.’
8. All the donuts in the cafeteria have corners.
7. ‘Note how my blood matches the color of the tomato, so there’s no need to clean it up.’
6. The chef blindfolds you and tells you to kneel before tasting the sausage.
5. You could have sworn the teacher said this was his ‘private masterbasting class.’
4. Your instructor suggests the best way to improve the tastiness of food is to smoke a joint ahead of time.
3. Exotic Sauces 101 no longer draws much interest due to the whole ‘sautéing with snot’ thing.
2. ‘I’d like to introduce our special lecturer on knife skills, professional mohel Rabbi Cohen.’
And the number one sign you’ve chosen a bad culinary school…
1. The box their Kobe beef came in has an NBA logo.
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How to Get Rich in 4 Easy Steps – People in Wheelchairs:
Ad:”How to get rich in 4 easy steps”
People in wheelchairs:
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Jesus: How Do You Celebrate My Resurrection? So There’s This Huge Fuckin Bunny
Jesus: how do you guys celebrate my resurrection?
me: uhh..
Jesus: something cool right?
me:
Jesus:
me: so there’s this huge fuckin bunny
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You Can Get Your Butthole Turned Into Chocolates – Edible Anus
umm wtf?? You can get your butthole turned into chocolates 😂
‘Edible Anus’ Company Makes Chocolate Molds of Your (Or a Loved One’s) Butthole
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US Paralympics Team Refuses to Stand During Star Spangled Banner – This Is Getting Out of Control
This is getting out of control
US Paralympics Team Refuses to Stand During Star Spangled Banner
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Your Essay Must Start With an Attention Grabber – Barbecue Sauce on My Titties
teacher: your essay must start with an attention grabber
me: so i’m sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties
