Joke Type: satirical

Satirical jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Top 17 Tweets From President Trump

    17. Winning! Winners win. And I’m a winner who wins, believe me. #ohfucknowwhatdoido

    16. My huuuge hands typing this from the Oval Office! #HowYouLikeMeNowHillary

    15. Nobody told me the White House was such a dump. Not a single gold toilet. Sad. #3rdWorld

    14. Why do they call it the White House when the kitchen is full of Hispanics? #TrumpHouse

    13. @SCOTUS You’re Fired! #TreatGovernmentLikeBusiness

    12. #100days: abolish Obamacare, export all illegal immigrants, mount Paul Ryan’s balls in the Oval Office #sweetrevenge

    11. @PutinRF_Eng Lincoln bedroom stocked with #Stoli; waiting for your arrival #USARUS

    10. White House? Not on my watch. 2,600 gallons of gold gilt paint on the way! #Glitterpalooza #BlingHouse

    9. Note to self: thank Kellyanne Conway, notify her she won’t be paid.

    8. Just sold Washington Monument to China #suckers #shippingisextra

    7. Got the nuclear codes, so excited: 398236. #watchoutisis #makeamericaglowagain

    6. Melania looks stunning lying naked on the Oval Office’s new polar bear-skin rug, trust me. #MakingAmericaBoneAgain #Bigly

    5. WTF? Canada’s Prime Minister keeps calling, saying USA needs to pay for his wall.

    4. WH needs new housekeepers. @AliciaMachado, job is yours if you can drop 20 lbs!

    3. Just sent my homey @Comey a thank you gift: orange jumpsuit for @Hillary. #orangeisthenewpantsuit

    2. That Lincoln bedroom is SO uncomfortable. No wonder he shot himself. #HoleInTheHead #LumpyMattress

    1. First official act: Lady Liberty loses the burka, shows some leg, gets bigger tits #StatueOfLame #6atBest

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  • The Top 15 Signs You’ve Chosen a Bad Culinary School

    15. They promise that 100% of their graduates will be ‘sertified sheffs.’

    14. ‘Today’s pastry is called Bronuts, and you will need some assistance from a male student.’

    13. There’s a Department of Drive-Thru Studies.

    12. Every session ends the same: ‘Defrost and microwave to taste.’

    11. Week 1: Heimlich maneuver.

    10. There’s an angry British man swearing a lot, but mostly about immigrants.

    9. ‘Welcome to: Sculpting with Spam: The Forgotten Dessert Meat.’

    8. All the donuts in the cafeteria have corners.

    7. ‘Note how my blood matches the color of the tomato, so there’s no need to clean it up.’

    6. The chef blindfolds you and tells you to kneel before tasting the sausage.

    5. You could have sworn the teacher said this was his ‘private masterbasting class.’

    4. Your instructor suggests the best way to improve the tastiness of food is to smoke a joint ahead of time.

    3. Exotic Sauces 101 no longer draws much interest due to the whole ‘sautéing with snot’ thing.

    2. ‘I’d like to introduce our special lecturer on knife skills, professional mohel Rabbi Cohen.’

    And the number one sign you’ve chosen a bad culinary school…

    1. The box their Kobe beef came in has an NBA logo.

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  • If God Can Kill His Only Son I Doubt He’ll Care If You Yeetus That Fetus

    If God Can Kill His Only Son I Doubt He’ll Care If You Yeetus That Fetus

    If God can kill his only son I doubt he’ll care if you yeetus that fetus.

  • Game Show Idea: 11 Gay Men and 1 Straight Man – None of the Men Are Actually Gay

    Game Show Idea: 11 Gay Men and 1 Straight Man – None of the Men Are Actually Gay

    Game Show Idea:

    11 gay men and 1 straight man are locked in a house. The object for the gay men is to find out who isn’t gay. Once a week someone gets outvoted, until 2 are left, or the straight man is out. If the gays manage to outvote him, they win 1 million dollars. If the straight man is among the 2 last people in the house in the end, he wins 1 million dollars.

    Now here’s the twist: None of the men are actually gay, they just all think they are the one straight man.

  • Donald Trump – Happy Women’s Day, Send Nudes

    Donald Trump – Happy Women’s Day, Send Nudes

    Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump

    Happy women’s day. Send nudes.

    3/8/17, 10:50 AM

  • Poor Nabib Has to Travel 6 Miles Every Day for Fresh Water – For a Month We Can Send You the DVD

    Poor Nabib Has to Travel 6 Miles Every Day for Fresh Water – For a Month We Can Send You the DVD

    Poor Nabib has to travel 6 miles every day for fresh water on a bike with no wheels or seat.

    For just a month we can send you the DVD. It’s fucking hilarious.

  • People Can Be So Easy to Read

    People Can Be So Easy to Read

    PEOPLE CAN BE SO EASY TO READ. LIKE IF THEIR FACE IS RED, THEY’RE EMBARRASSED.

    OR IF THEIR SKIN IS BLACK, THEY’RE ABOUT TO COMMIT A CRIME.

  • Stimulus Checks Are Being Spent on Dildos, Tigers, Guns and Stripper Poles

    Stimulus Checks Are Being Spent on Dildos, Tigers, Guns and Stripper Poles

    NEW YORK POST

    Stimulus checks are being spent on dildos, tigers, guns and stripper poles

    By Hannah Frishberg

    Damnit, I love this country so much.

  • The Reason Batman Doesn’t Cover His Whole Face

    The Reason Batman Doesn’t Cover His Whole Face

    The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white.

  • If Two Gay Black Men Get Married and Adopt a Baby

    If Two Gay Black Men Get Married and Adopt a Baby

    IF TWO GAY BLACK MAN GET MARRIED AND ADOPT A BABY

    WHICH FATHER IS SUPPOSED TO ABANDON THE FAMILY