Joke Type: satirical

Satirical jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Never Piss Off the Sysadmin

    Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

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    Dear Mr. Baker,

    As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of cut and paste for the hundredth time.

    You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.

    In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

    1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

    2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your favorites list, which I conveniently saved when you made me back up your useless files. I do believe that terms like Lolita are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

    3. When you borrowed the digital camera to take pictures of your mother’s birthday, you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

    Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.

    Never fuck with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

    Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

    Cecelia

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  • The Top 16 Signs the Call Center Employee You’re Dealing With Is Overseas

    16. Rather than reboot your PC to fix the problem, she suggests you sacrifice a chicken.

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    15. John Smith… could you please spell that for me, sir?

    14. The hold music? Nothing but sitars, gongs, pan flutes and bagpipes.

    13. He tells you the problem with your Gateway computer is that you’re worshipping false bovine idols.

    12. The loud noises in the background are perfectly in synch with exploding bombs on live CNN war coverage.

    11. [Burrrp!] So sorry — my fermented yak milk is repeating on me today.

    10. Her first step toward solving your DVD player problem is instructing you to eject the disk.

    9. You accuse him of giving you the runaround. He corrects you, saying in his culture it’s known as the eightfold path.

    8. To sweeten the deal, he offers to throw in a couple of Russian orphans.

    7. “No, you stupid cow — I said CLOCKWISE! Great Buddha, you are dense!”

    6. “And while I have you on the phone, Mrs. Smith, may I tell you about my aunt, the widow of the deceased chief secretary to the deposed Prince Regent of Nigeria? You see, he’s living in exile and he has all of this money…”

    5. I’m sorry, Wing-Ma took the morning off for maternity leave. She’ll be back after lunch.

    4. Boy, what a commute this morning. My bus plunged off a mountainside — again!

    3. Hi, my name is Bob Deathtoamerica. How may I help you?

    2. Would you like to add the extended service agreement for an additional eighty wildebeest furs?

    1. I am sorry, but it is quite sunny here today, so I have no place to stick your overdraft notice.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2004 by Chris White

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  • Intellectual Reasons for Drinking Alcohol

    Suppose you’re at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

    Make Things Up

    Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact YOU are underpaid, and you’re damned if you’re going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.

    DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.”

    Say: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

    (Note: Always make up exact figures.) If an opponent asks where you got your information, make THAT up too.

    Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?”

    Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say “You left your soiled underwear in my bathhouse.”

    Use Meaningless But Weighty-Sounding Words and Phrases

    Memorize this list:

    • Let me put it this way
    • In terms of
    • Vis-à-vis
    • Per se
    • As it were
    • Qua
    • So to speak

    You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as q.e.d., e.g., and i.e. These are all short for “I speak Latin and you do not.”

    Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: “Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.” You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL if you say: “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-à-vis Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.”

    Only a fool would challenge that statement.

    Use Snappy and Irrelevant Comebacks

    You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points.

    The best are:

    • You’re begging the question
    • You’re being defensive
    • Don’t compare apples and oranges
    • What are your parameters?

    (This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.)

    Here’s how to use your comebacks:

    You say: Liberians, like most Asians…

    Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

    You say: You’re being defensive.

    Compare Your Opponent to Adolf Hitler

    This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring up Hitler subtly.

    Say: “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say” or “You certainly do remind me of Hitler.”

    Now you know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

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  • The Top 13 Rejected Steps in 12-Step Programs

    13. Whenever the urge to submit to your addiction strikes, sing Barney songs until pummeled beyond recognition.

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    12. Humbly ask God to remove all character flaws and about five inches from our thighs, hips and buttocks.

    11. Toast to your success!

    10. Blame the friggin’ wife for spending all my hard-earned money, for chrissake!

    9. First step: Ask her out and treat her like a lady.

    8. Do a shot of tequila every time someone says “codependent.”

    7. First, you must admit to everyone you know that you have “this friend” who has a problem.

    6. Come clean about that Chappaquiddick thing, for cryin’ out loud.

    5. Put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.

    4. Admit that feng shui cannot in any way compensate for daily physiological counseling.

    3. Give yourself over to a higher power — but first, take off all your clothes and have a seat in the Oval Office.

    2. Steps five through seven: Lick it, suck it, slam it.

    1. Complete the program by standing in front of your support group and shouting, “I’m cured, you bunch of losers!”

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  • The Top 16 Little-Known Ways Beer Has Shaped History

    16. Benjamin Franklin was actually higher than his kite when he discovered electricity.

    15. September 6, 1945, New Haven, CT: A drunken future president utters the phrase, “Don’t worry, Barbara, I’ll pull out.”

    13. Patrick Henry, a pitchman for Liberty Ale, comes up with the first ubiquitous beer-promotion catchphrase.

    12. “Look, Tom, we’ll keep the ‘endowed by their Creator’ part as is, but that ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of beer’ part needs work.”

    11. It prevented the extinction of ugly people.

    10. Babylon, 552 BC: King Nebuchadnezzar II combines hanging gardens with fermented beverages to create the world’s first Dave & Buster’s.

    9. The invention of beer led directly to the invention of Slim Jims and microwave burritos.

    8. March 22, 1967: In Santa Monica, CA, Dave Barham drank two six-packs of beer, saw a rainbow, and envisioned a brand-new uniform for his “Hot Dog On A Stick” employees.

    7. How else was Joseph gonna believe that “but I’m still a virgin” story?

    6. Bartholomew: “Aww, BOGUS! I totally left the Master’s Holy Grail at that kegger back in Ephesus! Man, seven grails of ale and I forget everything!”
    Luke: “Don’t sweat it, Dude. The Grail’ll turn up.”

    5. There’s a well-kept secret about the crew of the Hindenburg and their drunken fart-lighting contests.

    4. Fifteenth-century Scotland: Golf was invented after some pub friends bet each other how far their testicles would travel when hit by a broomstick.

    3. “Hey, Adolph, I hear Poland has good beer.”

    2. July 1880: At a neighborhood barbecue at the McCoys, Lyle Hatfield suggests that Miller Lite is “less filling.”

    1. If the Dutch hadn’t brought that pre-dealmaking keg of Heineken to Manhattan, those twenty-four dollars’ worth of beads wouldn’t have looked so appealing.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • So Many Fucking Idiots

    So Many Fucking Idiots

    Salesman: *slaps USA* you can fit so many fucking idiots in this bad boy

  • Since the word “sodomy” means oral as well as anal sex, I think

    Since the word “sodomy” means oral as well as anal sex, I think it shows a great deal of laziness on the part of lawmakers that they haven’t invented a word to distinguish both sexual acts under the law. At least that’s the best defense strategy I’ve come up with so far.

  • I think that for Halloween I’ll dress as a candy bar with a sign

    I think that for Halloween I’ll dress as a candy bar with a sign that says “Eat Me,” then visit Overeaters and Sex Addicts support groups and see who cries more.

  • I should be chosen Small Business Owner of the Year now that

    I should be chosen Small Business Owner of the Year now that I’ve finally solved once and for all the issue about sexual harrassment in my business. Nobody ELSE thought of hiring only prostitutes.

  • Yes she was pretty and classy with a quick wit, and sure we had

    Yes she was pretty and classy with a quick wit, and sure we had lots in common, but what really sealed the deal was her “Deliveries in the Rear” tramp stamp.