A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have sex with you. I’ll make it very fast. I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor. By the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosJoke Type: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Tom and the Alaskan Party
After 25 years in the liquor business, Tom quits, buys 50 acres in remote Alaska, and lives in total peace with no visitors for six months.
One day, there’s a knock. A huge, bearded man says, “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a party Friday at 5. You should come.”
“Sounds great,” says Tom.
Lars starts to leave, then adds, “Gonna be some drinkin’.”
“No problem—I can handle that.”
“Probably some fightin’, too.”
“I get along with folks—I’ll be fine.”
“Maybe some wild sex, too.”
“Even better!” Tom grins. “What should I wear?”
Lars shrugs. “Don’t matter… just gonna be the two of us.”
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The End Was in Sight
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
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Only Have a Croc Pot
I was going to cook alligator for dinner…
But then I realized I only have a croc pot.
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The Produce Boy From Canada
A man walks into the produce section of his local supermarket and asks to purchase half a head of lettuce. The boy working in the department tells him that lettuce is only sold in whole heads.
Frustrated, the man insists the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” And as he finishes his sentence, he turns to see the man standing right behind him, so he quickly adds, “and this kind gentleman offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
An hour later, the manager finds the boy in the store and says, “I saw what you did there and was really impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“I’m from Canada, sir,” the boy replies.
“Why did you leave Canada for here?” the manager asks.
The boy sarcastically responds, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”
“Oh really,” says the manager, “my wife is from Canada!”
The boy quickly replies, “No shit, who’d she play for?”
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The Priest and the Lion in Africa
A priest is sent to deepest Africa to convert the natives.
He clears out an area for his camp and builds a hut of sticks for shelter. His only entertainment is the Bible and his violin. Before he retires for the night he builds a fire and sits down near it and plays his violin.
Shortly afterwards he notices that a few animals begin to surround his camp and seem to enjoy the music. As time goes by he builds a large audience of critters every evening.
One night an old lion walks into the clearing and looks around slowly. When he notices the priest he leaps on him and quickly devours the poor clergyman.
A hyena rushes up to the lion and asks him, “Why did you do that, all of us loved his music, we listened every night and it relaxed us so much. Now he is gone. Why? Why?”
The lion cocked his head toward the hyena, put his paw behind his ear and hollered, “WHAT?”
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Little Johnny and the Farm Chores
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
“Not yet,” says Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. He’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
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The Three Nuns at the Pearly Gates
Three nuns on a monthly trip to the city to sell goods from the convent’s garden got hit by a drunk driver and killed. They all went to heaven where they were met by St. Peter at the gate.
St. Peter, seeing that they were nuns, told them, “Well, ladies, seeing that you are all religious types, we’ll have to administer a little admissions test before letting you in. Nothing to worry about. Only one question.”
St. Peter asks the first nun, “OK, your question is: Who was the first man on earth?”
The nun replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It was Adam.”
Lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.
St. Peter then asks the second nun, “OK, your question is: Who was the first woman on earth?”
The nun replies, “Oh, that’s easy. It was Eve.”
And again, lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.
St. Peter then tells the third nun, “Well, you ladies are really on top of things. I’ll have to think of a more difficult question. Oh, I have it. Your question is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when she saw him?”
The third nun gets a rather confused look on her face, begins scratching her head and finally replies, “Gee, that’s a hard one.”
Lights flash. Horns blow. The gates open wide and she was let in.
