Do you know how to keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer at a party?
Invite two Baptists.
Do you know how to stop a Catholic from drinking all your beer at a party?
Neither do I.
Joke Type: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Rented a Tux for Dad
This guy’s father dies, so he goes to the undertaker and tells him he wants the best of everything for his father. The funeral is absolutely beautiful, and the guy is extremely pleased.
The next day, the guy gets a bill for $16,085, and he pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for $85. He figures it’s just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too.
Next month, another bill for $85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, “I keep getting these bills for 85 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already.”
The undertaker says, “Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux.”
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The Gynecologist Mechanic
A gynecologist had grown tired of malpractice insurance, paperwork, and burnout.
Hoping to start a new career where skilled hands would still be useful, he decided to become a mechanic.
He enrolled in evening classes at a local technical college, studied diligently, and learned everything he could.
When the practical exam finally arrived, he prepared carefully and completed it with tremendous skill.
A few days later, he received his results and was shocked to discover he had scored 150%.
Assuming there had been some kind of mistake, he called the instructor.
“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful,” he said, “but I think there may be an error in my score.”
The instructor replied, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly. That earned you 50%.”
“You then put the engine back together perfectly. That earned you the other 50%.”
After a brief pause, the instructor added:
“I gave you an extra 50% because you did the whole thing through the exhaust pipe, and I’ve never seen that done before.”
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The Blonde and the River
A blonde was staring dumbfounded at a rushing river blocking her path. As she wondered how to cross, she saw another blonde on the other side.
She yelled, “Hey, can you help me get to the other side?”
The other blonde replied, “You ARE on the other side!”
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The Blonde and the Gun
This blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and, sure enough, she opens the door to find him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos -
Jose at the Ballgame
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
“What happened?” asked his family.
“Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!” he said. “Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, ‘Jose, can you see?’”
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How to Wave a Blanket
An old Australian farmer marries the beautiful twenty-year-old daughter of a neighbouring farmer. After a week or two of regular sex, the farmer can’t seem to make the young woman climax. There is no doctor in the nearby town so he goes to visit the veterinarian and explains the situation.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos -
Sister Sally and the Gin
Sister Sally goes into the liquor store and asks for a pint of gin.
The clerk is taken aback. “Sister. What are you doing buying such a thing?”
“It’s okay,” replied Sister Sally. “It’s for the Mother Superior’s constipation.”
“Oh well then that’s okay.” And he sells her the gin.
After he closes up shop, he’s walking home and sees Sister Sally on the park bench absolutely blotto, just sloppy and singing bawdy songs and making a spectacle of herself.
“Sister!” he cried. “I thought you said the gin was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”
“It is,” replied the Sister. “When she sees me like this she’s gonna shit!”
