Joke Type: setup-punchline

Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • She Likes It That Way

    Mrs. Schwartz is in synagogue. The worshippers rise as the ark is opened. Mr. Goldstein, in the pew behind Mrs. Schwartz, notices that her dress is, er, caught between her buttocks. Thinking to correct the situation, he reaches forward and pulls the offending fabric free.

    Mrs. Schwartz turns around and furiously scolds him: how dare you, etc, etc. Her friends join in and Mr. Goldstein’s wife is mortified and apologetic.

    The following week, at the same time, Mr. Goldstein’s hand once again makes contact with Mrs. Schwartz’s bottom. Again, chaos ensues. Afterwards, Mrs. Goldstein wrathfully asks her husband what in the WORLD was he thinking?

    He replies: “I’m mystified myself. Last week, her dress was caught between her buttocks, and I thought I was doing her a favor by fixing it. This week, I saw her dress was hanging free. I simply wanted to put her dress back between her buttocks. I happen to know she likes it that way!”

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  • Now She Wants to Break Three

    My daughter broke two of my Freddie Mercury records.

    Now she wants to break three.

  • It Hurts When They Boil Their Nipples

    Why don’t blondes like to breastfeed their children?

    Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.

  • This Is Going to Be Loud

    A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The blonde said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don’t want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don’t want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don’t want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!”

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  • Put On Two Coats

    It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girlfriend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas.

    Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.

    When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka.

    I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions. I did.

    It said… “For best results, put on two coats.”

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  • Thats a Microwave

    A blonde walked into an appliance store and told the clerk that she liked to purchase the television set that sat on the counter. Very politely the clerk told her that the store didn’t service to blondes. She was just about to say something when she got an idea. She went home and dyed her hair black.

    The very next day, she went to the store and told the same clerk she had talked to the day before, that she would like to purchase the television set that sat on the counter. Then politely the clerk told her that he already told her the day before that the store didn’t service to blondes.

    She looked surprised and asked him, how did you know I was the blonde from yesterday?

    How did I know, the clerk said, ’cause that’s a microwave.

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  • How Does a Blonde Hold Her Liquor

    How does a blonde hold her liquor?

    By the ears.

  • A Fifteen Please

    A redhead walks into a bar. She walks up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a RW, please.”

    The bartender says, “What’s a RW, might I inquire?”

    “Red Wine, Duh!”

    The bartender serves her her drink. A brunette walks into the bar. “I’d like a WW, please.”

    “A WW is… what?”

    “White Wine, Duh!”

    Bartender serves her drink. In walks a blonde. “I’d like a Fifteen, please.”

    “What the HELL is a fifteen?”

    “Seven and seven, Duh!”

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  • Explain It Five Times

    A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender “Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

    The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225 lb and he’s a blond weight lifter,” he continues, “The fella to your right is blond, 6’5″ and pushing 300 lb and he’s a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”

    The blind guy goes: “Nah! Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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  • Ralph the Alligator

    A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says “Sorry sir. You can’t bring that alligator in here! It’s a dangerous animal, and you’re scaring all of the patrons!”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. “But wait!” he cried, “this alligator is tame! It wouldn’t hurt anyone!”.

    However, the bartender is adamant.

    “If”, the man continues, “I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?”.

    “Well, I guess so”, says the bartender, “however, you’re going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!”

    The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. “Ralph!”, he shouts, “Sit up!”

    With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist “BANG BANG BANG”. And the alligator rears up on its tail.

    “Ralph, open your mouth!” BANG BANG BANG… And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth.

    The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligator’s mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps.

    “Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON’T BITE!” BANG BANG BANG… As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guy’s dick off.

    The crowd sighs, and the man says “Ralph, open your mouth!” BANG BANG BANG! and the alligator’s mouth opens wide again.

    “There,” says the man to the crowd, “now would anyone else like to try this?”

    A blonde in the back says “Yeah, I’ll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head so hard.”

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