Joke Type: setup-punchline

Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Sting Operation

    Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?

    It was a sting operation.

  • Taking It Harder

    My family recently discovered our granddad has a Viagra addiction.

    No one is taking it harder than grandma.

  • It’s Not a Problem, It’s a Solution

    A scientist and his apprentice are mixing fluids in a beaker.

    The scientist adds a final drop to the mixture. The fluid violently shakes, turns a nasty green, and releases a puff of smoke.

    The apprentice sees this reaction and asks the scientist if there’s a problem.

    The scientist calmly explains that this isn’t a problem, it’s a solution.

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  • Quit Making Spectacles of Yourselves

    A monocle strolls into a bar. After a couple of drinks, he starts feeling pretty great (and a bit unsteady). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender cuts him off. “Sorry, pal, but city rules ban smoking inside. You’ll have to go outside if you want to smoke.”

    So the monocle jumps down from the bar stool and picks up his cigarettes to head out. At the same time, a second monocle comes out of the bathroom. They collide as they pass each other and tumble to the ground, completely twisted together. They attempt to untangle themselves, but the harder they try, the more knotted they get.

    The bartender stares down at the mess and shakes his head. “Hey, you two!” he yells. “Quit making spectacles of yourselves!”

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  • Three Stops Ago

    A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to eat…

    So she says to her baby, “Eat up now or I’m going to give it to that nice man over there,” and points at the man sitting across from her.

    Ten minutes later: “You have to eat, or I will give it to that man!”

    Five minutes later: “Come on now, I can’t waste this milk so you have to eat or I’m giving it to that man.”

    At this point the gentleman sitting across from her finally says, “Come on lady, make up your mind, I was supposed to get off three stops ago!”

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  • Who Fucked Up Your Hair?

    A woman was getting her hair done at the salon for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So how are you getting there?”

    “We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

    “Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”

    “We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

    “Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

    “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

    “That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

    “It was wonderful,” explained the woman. “Not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand-new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome twenty-eight-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the Teste hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

    “Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

    “Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

    “Oh, really! What’d he say?”

    He said, “Who fucked up your hair?”

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  • Yes, We Arson

    Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

    Dad: Yes, we arson.

  • The Tide’s Coming In

    A man was sitting on the beach, all alone. He had no arms and no legs.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Three beautiful women came walking along and stopped.

    One asked him, “Have you ever been hugged?”

    “No,” he said. She knelt and gave him a really great hug, then walked on.

    Another woman asked, “Have you ever been kissed?”

    “No,” he replied. She knelt and gave him a truly passionate kiss, then she followed the first lady.

    The third woman asked him, “Have you ever been fucked?”

    His pulse jumped, his breath caught, and his mouth got dry, and he said, “No.”

    “You will be. The tide’s coming in.”

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  • Prophets Going Through the Roof

    I just opened a store selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats.

    Prophets are going through the roof!