I told my wife that I’ve swapped our bed for a trampoline.
She hit the roof!
Joke Type: setup-punchline
Setup-punchline jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Poop With the Door Open
I told my wife that we’ve been together long enough now, we can poop with the door open…
…She told me I shouldn’t be pooping in the car in the first place!
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It’s a Date!
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says, “Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward, but I would love to grab coffee with you some time.”
Flattered, the man responds, “Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?”
“Well…” the woman says. “A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They’re my favorite band of all time. When they went on their …And Justice for All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was twelve years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica.”
The man can’t believe it.
“I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other’s houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city, and saw them play at the World Music Theater!”
Naturally, they’re both shocked.
“If that isn’t weird enough…” says the woman. “I noticed you’re reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He’s my favorite author.”
Now the man is really taken aback. “Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in nineteenth-century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer. I absolutely love Mark Twain.”
They both can’t believe it… this has got to be a match made in heaven.
“Ok…” the woman says. “Well, buckle up because here’s the icing on the cake. I noticed you’re eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we’d go up and harvest the plums with him. He’d dry them and by the time we’d go back to his place for Thanksgiving he’d always have those prunes saved just for us. They’re my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you’re eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?”
The man puts down his fruit and responds, “It’s a date!”
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Moo Goo Gai Pan
While lying in bed, the chef of the Chinese restaurant nudged his wife, saying, “I wouldn’t mind a little 69 right now.”
His wife, who works as a server, turned her back, saying, “If you think I’m gonna get out of bed at this time of night to make you moo goo gai pan, you’re crazy.”
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Hooters Every Ten Years
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.
At age thirty-two they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch. “Where do you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why Hooters?”
“They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”
“Perfect, you’re on.”
At age forty-two, they meet and play golf again. “Where do you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Again? Why?”
“They have cold beer, big-screen TVs, and side action on the games.”
“Yeah, boy! Let’s do it!”
At age fifty-two they meet and play again. “So, where do you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”
“OK.”
At age sixty-two they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, “Where do you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”
“Good choice.”
At age seventy-two they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”
“Great choice.”
At age eighty-two they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Because we’ve never been there before.”
“OK, let’s give it a try!”
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Celebrating That Long
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes,” she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
