Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Blind Date’s Unusual Amusement Park Obsession

    A young man took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. “What would you like to do next?” he asked.

    “I wanna get weighed,” she said.

    So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

    “One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

    “I wanna get weighed,” she said.

    I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

    “Wousy,” said the girl.

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  • Molotov Was a Beer Drinker

    I’ve got ten dollars that says Molotov was a beer drinker.

  • Neither Repeating Nor Terminating

    My math teacher calls the 14th of March “Pi Day” because it’s 3/14. I celebrated by neither repeating nor terminating for the whole day.

  • The Meaning of Cheese

    When I stop to think about the meaning of life, I sometimes sigh and wonder if perhaps there’s more to all this than just the delicious taste of cheese and cheese-based products.

  • Man in the Mirror

    I heard Michael Jackson singing about the “Man in the Mirror.” What, was there somebody standing behind him?

  • Yeehaw or Heeyaw

    I need to know something: Is it “Yeehaw” or “Heeyaw”? I’m riding in my first rodeo and don’t want to sound like a total idiot.

  • Sweet Carol Line

    Sweet Carol Line

    My name’s Carol.

    Really? Me too!

    I’m also Carol.

    Me too!

    Hi, I’m Carol.

    Sweet Carol line.

  • Old Friend From Preschool

    Old Friend From Preschool

    Ran into an old friend from preschool at the bar last night

  • Double Tap

    Double Tap

    Double tap on your screen

  • Warning Labels for the Dangerously Obvious and Absurd

    Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us that we are;

    1. On a blanket from Taiwan –
    NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

    2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists –
    REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

    3. On a Taiwanese shampoo –
    USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

    4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
    AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

    5. On a New Zealand insect spray –
    THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

    6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer –
    TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

    7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
    LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

    8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
    OPEN OTHER END.

    9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins –
    WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

    10. On a Sears hairdryer –
    DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

    11. On a bag of Fritos –
    YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

    12. On a bar of Dial soap –
    DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

    13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
    DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

    14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
    PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

    15. On a Korean kitchen knife –
    WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

    16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –
    FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

    17. On a Japanese food processor –
    NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

    18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts –
    WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.

    19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
    INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

    20. On a Swedish chainsaw –
    DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

    21. On a child’s superman costume –
    WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

    22. On some frozen dinners
    SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

    23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
    FITS ONE HEAD.

    24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
    DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

    25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine
    DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

    26. On Nytol sleep aid
    WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

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