Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A little girl was usually driven to school by her Grandpa, but one day he had a bad cold, so her Grandma took her instead.
That night, the girl told her parents, “The drive with Grandma was really different today.”
“Oh? What made it different?” they asked.
“Well,” she said, “with Grandma, we didn’t see a single numb nuts, blind lady, idiot, or freakin’ moron on the road the whole way.”
A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, “Excuse me, do you have any widdle wabbits?”
The shopkeeper’s heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and says, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft fluffy widdle wabbit, or one like that brown one over there?”
The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, “I don’t weally fink my anaconda gives a phuc.”
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of the physical side of their relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered — “Is that one word, or two?”
A doctor tells his patient, “I have terrible news. You have a rare incurable condition and will be dead by morning.”
The man goes home and tells his wife — it’s tragic, but there’s nothing to be done.
They go to bed… he’s reflecting on his life… and looks at his wife, and thinks… one more time. He wakes her up… and they make love.
She goes back to sleep, but he can’t sleep… and he looks at her again… and thinks… I gotta have it. He wakes her up, and they have sex.
She goes back to sleep again. The hours pass. The sun will soon be up. He thinks, better to die happy… and he nudges his wife again… “How about it?”
She looks at him angrily and says, “LOOK. I have to get up in the morning… YOU don’t!”
